By Will Jones
Critics are raving about "Pac-Man: The Movie," the latest installment in Hollywood's quest to destroy every American's childhood memories.
The film, officially titled "Pac-Man: Ghost Warrior," is directed by Uwe Boll, the masochist-acclaimed director of such craptastic films as "House of the Dead" and "Blackwoods." When interviewed, Boll stated that he wanted to keep with his tradition of "making sure that absolutely no one remembers [him] in a positive light." Added Boll, "This movie is going to be totally sweet."
The movie follows Pac-Man, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, on his quest to eat as much fresh fruit and take as many methamphetamines as he possibly can before he dies of prostate cancer. Meryl Streep throws her weight in as Pac-Man's devoted wife, who collects the necessary drugs and fruits when her husband is too strung out to get out of bed. Along the way, Pac-Man is haunted by the ghosts of four men he killed with his bare hands in the jungles of Vietnam. All the ghosts are played by Lindsay Lohan.
Executive producer George Lucas also oversaw all of the special effects for the film, and the action sequences look amazing. Lucas and Boll have done wonders with the stark, black-and-pink world of Pac-Man's drug-addled mind, and the F/X teams at Industrial Light and Magic really outdid themselves with everything from the ultra-high-powered martial arts shots to making Lindsay Lohan occasionally appear to be a human being.
Upon attending sneak previews for the film, thousands of fans have universally responded, "Sweet Jesus, my eyes! Why won't you just let me die?"