By Andrew Chao
In the wake of a recent surge in the popularity of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a scandal has now shaken the Pastafarian religion to its delicious core. In St. Paul, Minnesota, the district attorney has filed molestation charges against the Flying Spaghetti Monster, including 5 counts of inappropriate touching with a noodly appendage and 3 counts of plying a minor with marinara sauce.
"It's a sad day for everyone that such a violation could happen," stated District Attorney Robert Gotelli. "What we have here is an innocent young boy who wished to join the ranks of the Pastafarians. Seeking the mysteries of life, he was instead exposed to horrors that we can only imagine. In all honesty I am ashamed. Who would think that such charges could exist in organized religion. Seriously, this is my shocked face."
Gotelli will seek to punish the FSM to the harshest extent of the law. "Although He may be a religious icon, He must not rise above the law even if He can fly."
Nevertheless, supporters for the Spaghetti Monster have expressed confidence in His innocence. Dressed in full pirate regalia, disciples of the Noodly One have prepared for a whole slew of eat-ins before the doors of the courthouse. It is believed that their consumption of pasta would hopefully turn the hearts and stomachs of the prosecution.
John McCochran, the legal counsel for the accused, released a statement early Tuesday morning stating his client's innocence.
"He's the Flying Spaghetti Monster, people; how can He reach out to the hearts of the masses without first touching them with His noodly appendage?"
McCochran continued to express his confidence that all charges would be dismissed. "If the noodle don't fit, you must acquit."
New Study Reveals: Men Like Boobies
By Charles McKuralt
The science world was shook to it's core last Thursday, when in a press conference scientists from the Transatlantic Medicinal School for the Marginally Gifted announced that after a decades long study they finally can say concretely that men like boobies.
"This is a great day for science, in fact all mankind in general," said group spokesman Dr. Michael Hauser, "Since the dawn of recorded history the general stance of males on boobs was basically an unknown. But now, we can honestly say that dudes like breasts."
The study performed throughout the United States consisted of numerous groups, of both genders, aged 18-35. In the study, participants were shown pictures of women's chest and asked numerous analytical questions. The desired goal being to see just where they stood on the subject of titties. They also were shown pictures of items that are remotely akin to gonzangas, ranging from ordinary household bras to the Grand Teton Mountains of Wyoming. For the most part, the results were fairly straightforward.
"Hell yeah! I like the boobies," said one participant who wished to remain anonymous. According to the researchers, most of the gentlemen in the study echoed his sentiments.
"We also found a strong correlation between the size of the mammary glands and the subsequent engrossment of the men," said Hauser.
However, as with most scientific discoveries it is not without it's flaws. While for the most part hombres really dug women's jumblies, the scientists discovered that one in every ten men had little to no interest in tits at all. Even further, one in every ten women seemed to be very excited by the images of the ladies' coconuts. Scientists remain baffled.
"While we stand by our results, we can't really explain why this occurred," said Hauser, "We suspect that we might have a sort of "hanging chad" problem. After all, what muchachos aren't down with chest pillows? Maybe it's a personal problem that they're born with. Or that they choose. We have had a lot debate about it. "
Despite this, Hauser and his colleagues remain incredibly confident in their findings that the fellas are blinded by ladies' headlights. Next, Hauser and his team plan to investigate whether chicks like the cock.
PETA Protests Parasite Murder
By Sarah Hodges
David Murray, a contractor from Raleigh, plays host to some thirteen million stomach parasites. When he went to pick up his antibiotics from the drug store, however, protesters from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals barred him from the pharmacy.
"Parasites are people, too!" shouted the protesters, some of whom were dressed as tapeworms. They then proceded to reenact the execution of the parasites with water guns and ketchup. The group has also been circulating an online petition through e-mail, which, if passed along to enough people, rewards the sender with a free package of tofu.
Murray responded to the protesters by saying that his stomach hurt and that the they needed to get the fuck out of his way before he beat their asses.
PETA spokesperson Linda Stroupe said that if this needless killing continues, the species could become extinct in as few as fifty years. "We're currently working with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to add tapeworms to the list of endangered species. We are filing papers with the court to have Mr. Murray's stomach declared a protected habitat for the parasites. We don't want other protozoa to overdevelop and infringe on their property rights."
While the protesters wait for their claims to be heard, they can do nothing but chain themselves to the front of the drug store to stop Murray's entrance.
"Fine, block the front door," said Murray, "I'll just use the drive-thru."