By Will Jones
 You don't know what this is, but you will soon. And then you shall tremble. |
The beginning of each semester is a nervous time, filled with anxious anticipation of what the hell is going to happen across campus. UNC can be a tricky little beast, so we consulted our official BoUNCe prophet for some help. Here are some predictions as to what will be happening at Chapel Hill this semester. You have been warned.
- Some students will not show up to their 8:00 A.M. classes, using flimsy rationalizations that their friends will pretend to sympathize with.
- Police officers will pretend that they don't know that the P2P is always full of underage drunks, thus freeing up more of their time to stand around ogling girls half their age.
- Freshman girls will fellate guys wearing pastel polo shirts only to be surprised when the guys don't call them the next day.
- Students hanging around the Pit will be sentenced to eternal hell by a well-dressed gentleman with a salt-and-pepper beard.
- Male students will fail to act cool as they walk by bikini-clad, sunbathing girls outside their dorms.
- Students with late-model SUV's will not realize that all the "preppy bastard" jokes they hear are directed at them.
- DTH readers will eventually remember that they only pick up the damn thing for the crossword puzzle.
- Professor Dick Superfine will sit alone in his office and cry after the nineteenth joke he overhears about his name.
- Guys who still make incessant "Office Space" references will not realize that they are way behind the fucking times.
- Pedestrians across campus will try to laugh at their own clumsiness as they trip over uneven bricks. Nearby strangers will mock them, regardless.
- Hordes of douche bags will slide flyers under dorm room doors, tragically overfilling garbage cans everywhere.
- Freshman nerds expecting a clean social slate will fail to get laid despite their best efforts. They will compensate by playing lots and lots of "World of Warcraft."
- People who are friends on Facebook will do their best to ignore each other when they pass on campus.
- Readers of BoUNCe magazine will ignore all the words on pages 8 and 9, instead focusing only on the pretty pictures, most of which they won't even understand.