By William Niver
In a bold move last Wednesday, campus administrators decided to decommission Craige's two working elevators and instead install two rope ladders and a firepole. One official admitted anonymously, "But in the long run, we believe we can save one Hell of a lot of electricity."
Sophomore Austin Collins lamented about the decision to remove the elevators as he heaved a caboodle filled with Lisa Frank™ back-to-school supplies into the Craige lobby on Move-In Day. "What do you mean there are no more elevators?" he inquired as he contemplated the five flights of stairs awaiting him.
RAs, however, had brilliantly worked out a solution to the problem of moving heavy appliances up several floors without the help of elevators. They directed Collins outside towards the pulley system hastily fashioned from two Erector sets, some Legos, and a really long piece of yarn. "Just put the caboodle on the platform made out of pieces of the Lego Wookiee Catamaran™ and the Thomas the Tank™ track, then you just pull on the string and it hoists the damn thing up the… Well, damnit, you have to pull slowly. You're going to kill somebody - don't stand under the fucking Wookiee Catamaran… Move, damnit! It was already on the fifth floor when the yarn snapped. Get out of the way, man! That's a caboodle falling from fifty feet up! We're going to need some ice for that. You know what? Just take the stairs, pussy."
The decision to remove the elevators has attracted severe criticism from parents, but an overwhelming majority of the student body actually supports the decision, citing last year's disaster at Morrison as reason to play it safe. "No one wants a repeat of last April's catastrophe," a high-ranking administrator confided. Sophomore Hank Saye remembers that day all too well. He and nearly two dozen other students had piled into Morrison's most unreliable elevator nicknamed "Deathtrap," the one off by itself closest to the RA's office; only to have the cord break as the elevator neared the seventh floor. The lone survivor of the breakdown, Saye was cushioned by the other twenty passengers, and he hasn't been the same since.
Another change residents are adjusting to is the presence of several cannibal tribes living in the jungle separating Craige from Manning Drive. "We'd always figured there was something out there," sophomore Sean McMullan disclosed. "There's no way in Hell any of us will go through there at night." Sophomore Eric Knote echoed these sentiments when he added that "Day iz sum crazy ass woogly-booglies out there, mane. Iz be 1 crazy ass mutha-fucka if iz be out on dat rackety-ass boardwalk alone."