By Bryan Flores
Are you the ugly girl among your group of friends? You know, the one that never gets any play and tries to pass herself off as "hot by association?" If your response was: "Silly, there isn't an ugly girl in my group of friends," then it's definitely you. Keep reading.
If you happen to be among the attractively-challenged here at UNC, lift your chin up and fret no longer. Along with the commencement of classes this fall there will be a new service available to all UNC students: the Special Friends Stalking Service. The aim of SFSS is to finally provide a safe and reliable structure for you to feel violated and uncomfortable without all the hassles of restraining orders and felony charges.
Traditionally, stalkers have been reserved for musicians, movie stars, and Carolina basketball players. However, the staff at SFSS feels that everyone should have the opportunity to enjoy the "stalking experience." You see, having a stalker is like having a syringe filled with pure adrenaline and a ten inch needle slammed through your chest plate and directly into the heart of your dying social life. This, my friends, is what SFSS strives to provide for you. Much like Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, having a "special friend" will resurrect your comatose social life and replace countless nights of "Sex in the City" re-runs with actual human contact.
So, when you're out for a night on the town, and your girlfriends ask you about the dark blue van with no windows or license plates that's been following you around, you can turn to them with confidence and proclaim, "He's my stalker!" Everyone knows that only cool and desirable girls get stalked. Sure, your phone might ring in the middle of the night, and all you'll hear on the other end will be heavy breathing interspersed with bouts of uncontrollable weeping, but your friends will just look to you in awe and worship you all the more. Finally, your friends will realize that YOU (insert name here) are the coolest girl on campus and invite you on trips to the mall to purchase swanky lingerie and giggle at cute boys in the food court.
With a stalker on your ass, you'll find things will start to change dramatically. When you and your sorority sisters come home from a social to find a "special friend" pillaging through your soiled underwear drawer with a grin on his face and drool on his chin, they'll look to you in admiration and wonder if one day they'll ever be as cool as you. There will be parties thrown in your honor. Phat parties! With beer! And people will love you regardless of the defective genes passed on to you by your parents. Even your braces and pronounced underbite won't get in the way of your new-found celebrity. Guys will seek YOU out and say things like, "Hey, I heard some dude from the Psych dept. carved your name in his chest with a scalpel. You wanna come back to my place for a night cap?" Then, you'll coyly follow them back to their frat houses like you've always dreamed and engage in acts that would make even Paris Hilton green with envy.
And who are these special friends, you ask? This is the best part. They are people that you already know to be stalkerish and creepy - our very own Carolina grad students! Who better to follow you back to your freshmen dorm and wait for you inside the laundry room all night? They've been staking that place out their entire academic careers in hopes of seducing you with their pasty skin and lonely eyes.
To ensure the highest quality of stalking possible, all of our employees are recruited right as they walk out of Counseling and Psychological Services. Finally, you can tell your roommates that some guy is crazy about you, and you won't be lying.
So, what are you waiting for? Act now and reserve your special friend today!
Some of our special services:
A 35-year-old Econ Ph.D. follows you around He's Not Here exclaiming how he's been trapped in your "tractor beam of love," and then asks you if his search party can have permission to board.
-$15. Ask for Edward.
A short effeminate man named Lawrence serenades your window at 2 A.M with his spicy rendition of Marvin Gaye's classic "Sexual Healing" on the accordion accompanied by the recorder.
-$35
An Asian grad student dressed up as a ninja stealthily follows you back to your dorm room on a Friday night, and then attempts to seduce you with his Praying Mantis style.
-$25