By Gary Liao
As you all know, Hurricane Katrina has wrecked havoc along much of southern United States. And as the rest of the nation sits in trepidation for tropical storm Ophelia, or Rita, or *place random calm sounding name here* to move on, we here at BoUNCe thought it would be very educational to explain to you all the government organizations that are involved in the relief effort and how exactly they go about doing their job. Because let's face it, when you're sitting in your living room, drinking a beer, and all of a sudden your door bursts down, filling your entire house with disease ridden water, destroying everything you've ever known, cherished or loved (physically or spiritually), it sucks.
Department of Homeland Security (DHS)
Created after the tragic events of September 11th, the DHS was to protect against any and all harmful threats to the nation, and was delegated the duty of increasing overall preparedness, particularly for catastrophic events. However, over time, the DHS has shifted its focus to a much more important and related issue, brown people. More specifically the things that brown people can do to harm this great nation. Things such as supplanting hard working American coffee farmers by importing Turkish coffee beans, or hiding large nuclear warheads in voluminous turbans. Official response to hurricane Katrina: "It didn't wear a turban."
Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA)
Formerly a separate government organization, but was integrated with the DHS in March of 2003. FEMA is charged with helping a community before and after a disaster strikes. In order for FEMA to act in its full capacity, the governor of a state must get on his/her knees and beg the president for help, whom in turn will check and see if FEMA has been a good pet lately, and if it has, he will then unleash FEMA from its bureaucratic chains to go out and help the people. Although needing a pat on the head by the president, FEMA is in reality a dog of DHS, which is a cabinet level crony in the executive branch of the government, and is thus directly responsible for informing the president of any and all potential disasters that could and would befall the United States. Apparently a class 4 hurricane with 140+ mph winds and heading for a coastal city that resembles a large salad bowl isn't much to worry about. Official response to hurricane Katrina: "Really? A hurricane came?!"
U.S. Army Corps of Engineers (USACE)
Part of the Army, the USACE is made up mostly of civilian contractors under military supervisors. Its job is to make sure that under no circumstance is the nation under such severe peril that it hinders our world dominating military machine. The USACE does no prevention work for a disaster unless such orders have been expressly given by its enlightened Commander in Chief, the president of the United States. However, this organization is free to act after a disaster has stuck, given that the Department of Defense feels such actions are needed and that drooling on itself isn't really all that exciting.
Since Katrina hit the USACE has been the main force in the rebuilding effort. Yet they also have been delegated to such pitiable chores as moving people who refuse to leave their homes even though only their chimney is above flood waters and reclaiming New Orleans from demented street gangs that believed it could control the city and secede from the US. We at BoUNCe believe that such actions have been tried on a much grander scales which then also failed miserably. Official response to hurricane Katrina: "No dammit, tanks don't work under water."
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Disaster Response
Although most of us know the EPA as the caring enforcer of environmental regulations, it also responds to disasters. Specifically, the EPA is concerned with chemical, biological and radiological contamination of natural resources and its detrimental effects on people. It has been called into service due to the fact that such harmful contamination had been leaked into the environment and that people are very stupid. Apparently most individuals do not understand that when the skin on your legs and feet itches, burns, and peels, it is a sign to GET OUT OF THE WATER! The EPA currently has over 300 personal working the disaster stricken areas, educating people that if there's water that can eat your skin away, it's probably not safe to drink. The department is also carrying out measures to control the contaminants so that the people who continue to drink the water won't immediately die. Official response to Katrina: "Please stop drinking the water."
This may be a lot of information to take in. Indeed, it would indeed be hard to memorize which department does what. So, in another last ditch effort to help the populace of UNC know what each agency does, just remember what you should NOT do. For the EPA, you should never drink water that clears pipes better than Drano. For the USACE, don't try to revive the confederacy. For FEMA, it doesn't really matter what you do since they'll never respond anyways. And for DHS, just remember that under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES can and should you EVER wear a turban.