By Chris Jochem
Recent polls conducted by the Princeton Review have confirmed rumors that Carolina girls are no longer "the best in the world." The news came as a crushing blow to women across the Chapel Hill campus who have proudly sported their title on everything from shorts and tshirts to bumper stickers. Carolina fell to fourth overall in the rankings as top honors passed to Western Wyoming Community College.
The rankings were determined by a composite score made up of categories such as "good looks and sweet personality," "sweeter than candy," "tuffness," and "southern pearl," which became a catch-all category roughly equating to "slut-ratio".
"We felt it was time to get going once again and update the rankings," head of survey and polls for the Princeton Review Jeffery Slander said. "Honestly, it seems like Carolina has been milking that one [award] longer than Pabst's last blue ribbon."
Most students believed the title was awarded to Chapel Hill by General Norman Johnson and the Chairmen of the Board in the hit song "Carolina Girls" that included the line "Carolina girls, the best in the world." But those students are just hapless morons who need a good shagging.
Men across the Carolina campus have not responded in the uproar that some had predicted. The mood has been calm, even understanding, at the results of the rankings.
"Good. That's what I say," senior Ben Mumphrey responded when hearing about the results. "I really think these Carolina Girls have been sitting on their heels. They needed a good wakeup call to get motivated, to go back out and reclaim their title." "Have you seen some of those girls wearing those 'Best in the World' shirts?" senior Nate Haw asked. "Whoa! I know I didn't vote for them! It takes more than having two x-chromosomes to take that title."
The fourteen women enrolled in Western Wyoming Community College were thrilled at what some are calling an upset victory.
Beth-Anne May, enrolled in both the welding and home-economics programs, was one of the first to wear the new "WeWyCoCo girls… Best in the World" shirts. "I think this is great. All the girls have worked real hard gettin' pretty. You know we used to be tied for last place with Duke? Just shows what some work can do."
Chancellor Moeser downplayed the importance of the rankings. "I'm proud of the abundance of young, available women we have here at Carolina even if they aren't the best in the world," Moeser said in a press release. "At least our girls are still the best value for tuition dollar."