By Will Jones
Everyone knows a bit about the world's more popular religions: Hinduism, Buddism, and, of course, the age-old, three-way cage fight between Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. These have all been examined by many UNC students. But what happens when you exhaust these options and still remain as spiritually barren as Kim Jong Il's nipples? Fear not, fellow students. We've got a whole host of lesser known theologies for you to choose from. Check it out.
Scientology
Often touted by the ever homoerotic Tom Cruise, Scientology isn't actually a branch of recognized science. That doesn't detract from its appeal to the hideously wealthy and goat-fuckingly stupid, however. The core beliefs of a Scientology essentially say that if you pay exorbitant amounts of money, the Church of Scientology will cleanse your body of demons, leaving you pure for the trip to Venus upon your death, where all will live in harmony for all time. The more money you pay, the finer the demon filter, thus the more pure your soul and the more powerful you'll be on Venus. Perfect for those of you who enjoy throwing away money on worthless medications and choking to death in an extraterrestrial atmosphere composed of neurotoxins and nitric acids.
Baha'i
Pronounced "Bag-lady," Baha'i is a religion dedicated to the brotherhood of all humankind (like no one came up with that idea first). It was started by this guy named Bah'hulllah'hulahoop, who had this great idea that people should stop hating each other and all be friends and live in perfect harmony. Not satisfied with being merely unoriginal, the Baha'i are also giant pussies. Their dedication to the art of sniveling and annoyance is really quite admirable. Suggest this religion to people you know who you want to be able to punch in the face without fear of retaliation.
Confucianism
This is a tricky one. Confucius is not so much a religion as it is a collection of moral guidelines, all of which have names that are very hard to pronounce. Confucius (that's who founded the stupid thing!) was a very wise man who spent his very long life developing and teaching this complex code of behavior, which really amounts to, "Don't fuck around with other people." There are some ceremonies, rituals and the occasional sacrifice, one of which involves 'Spirit of the Fetus,' but we'll just leave that alone for right now. Explore at your own risk.
Voodoo
Fuck yeah. If Gandalf was from the Caribbean, he would have practiced voodoo. These guys are hardcore. While other religions are out preaching and praying, our voodoo peeps are howling at the moon and putting a curse on your unbelieving ass. Don't think they won't do it, because they will do it in a fucking heartbeat. Chances are, you like voodoo more than you even think. After all, most of their religious ceremonies resemble a really bitchin' kegger. Be prepared to get high, get trashed, scream, get naked, and dance all night long in what we might just deem the most fun religion ever. No whiteys.
Hare Krishna
Have you ever wanted to kill someone just for the hell of it? Yeah, sure you have, and if you're anything like us, it was one of these guys. Hare Krishnas worship someone named Krishna, who is apparently the west Asian god of bad haircuts and not exercising. One of their primary teachings is that all donations are mandatory, which allows them to gather great amounts of guilt-free money while unloading brick-like books of chants on unwitting passerby. Only become a Hare Krishna if you hate showering and the only instrument you can play is the tambourine. Sorry, but attractive girls aren't allowed.
Shintoism
The ancestral religion of Japan. These are interesting guys. If there was ever a group of people with a great system of rationalization, it's Shintoists. This is a culture that loves light, balance, harmony, and all that other woman-crap at the same time that they invent samurai and ninjas, whose sole apparent purpose is beating the shit out of everyone in sight with swords and throwing stars. I gotta say, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I certainly do like throwing stars. I'd give them an A+ except that they eat puppies and mutilate their wangs for fun. At least that's what I heard.
Well, that's that for BoUNCe's exposé of alternative religions. At this point, as you look inward at your ravaged and defiled soul, you're probably realizing that perhaps Sister Elizabeth back in Catholic School wasn't such the heinous bitch you thought she was. We hope that one of these religions will make you feel better about the random, meaningless existence that is your life, which in reality will only end with your body decaying and being screwed by insomniac necrophiliacs. But insane spirit-talking psychopaths are cool, too. You have fun with that, Worm-bait.