By Will Niver
By now we're all accustomed to the ultraconservative harangues issued by our very own Gary the Pit Preacher. In fact, if you're like me, the school year hasn't even officially begun until you've been told you're bound for the bowels of Hell. But Gary isn't the only fanatical zealot of religious radicalism on campus these days. In fact, the Pit is packed with representatives of various obscure religions seeking converts in Chapel Hill students. We've separated the merely creepy from the genuinely insane to bring you a 'Who's Who' of the new generation of Pit Preachers.
Harry the Pit Preacher (Amway)
Whether the Amway Corporation is a business, a pyramid scheme, or a cult, there's no denying that Harry's out in the Pit pitching his Multi-Purpose Cleaner and drawing students into his 'down line.' I've taken Econ 10, and the model doesn't work. Ignore him.
Jerry the Pit Preacher (Raelians)
Jerry spends a lot of time in Morehead Planetarium seeking the alien race that is responsible for the creation of life on this planet, but on the off chance that he's in the Pit (and sober), you'll be invited to take a ride in the UFO. Politely decline, trust me.
Larry the Pit Preacher (Puritans)
Larry is here to give Puritanism a new, fresh face. C'mon kids! Self-denial and total depravity are fun! And c'mon, those whiny bitches from Salem had it coming.
Mary the Pit Preacher (Shamanism)
Trying to contact a departed relative? Got a weird dream that you'd like to know the meaning of? Looking to score some trees? Mary's your girl.
Carrie the Pit Preacher (Druids)
Carrie emerges from the woods right before Solstices and Equinoxes to erect stone pillars in the Pit. A self-described poet, seer, healer and philosopher, she wears lots of hemp clothing, rarely bathes and shops exclusively at Whole Foods.
Terry the Pit Preacher (Scientology)
There's not much to say about Terry except, "What the fuck is Tom Cruise thinking?"
Barry the Pit Preacher (Church of Satan)
Barry won't condemn you to Hell, he'll invite you! To draw a crowd, he'll sometimes sacrifice a goat over a pentagram in the center of the Pit, then set the carcass on fire and perform a dance. More charismatic than his predecessor, but his black trench coat raises a red flag.