Saudi Arabia to Profile Arabs
By Haw Cheng

When you let children play with chemicals, the terrorists win.

Spokesmen for the Saudi government today confirmed rumors that effective the first of next month, Saudi Arabia will institute racial profiling of Arabs. This is in response to the large number of terrorist incidents perpetrated by Arabs, said a spokesman for the Saudi interior ministry during a press briefing today, announcing the new policy.

"After all, all 19 of the 19 9/11 hijackers were Arabs," said the spokesman.

In response to one reporter's question during the press briefing, the spokesman stated, "King Abdullah, in order to set an example for the kingdom, will submit himself to such searches on appropriate occasions. I must add, though, that in all the years I have known him, His Majesty has not turned out to be a terrorist, praise Allah. One can never be too sure, however."

Key items in the new policy include strip and body cavity searches of all Arabs entering and leaving the country's airports, random friskings and bag searches of Arabs on the street, and denying all basic rights to women.

"Oh, wait, that's a mistake. We do that already," the spokesman stammered during the press briefing. "Heads are going to roll for this." The spokesman winked roguishly at the assembled reporters as he said this.

Reaction on the Saudi street has largely been supportive.

"What's most important to me when I get on a plane is my own safety," said Walid Halawa, a student in Riyadh, "which is why I'd want to be searched to make sure that I'm not a suicide bomber, so that I can't kill myself and those around me."

"I mean, what if I'm not searched, and I turn out to be a terrorist?" added Mr. Halawa. "Wouldn't that be awful?"

"We Arabs need to be vigilant against us Arabs," added a nearby bystander.

Not everyone was so supportive, however.

"We're not all terrorists," said Yasser Hussein, a computer programmer. "I am the only terrorist in my family. It's unfair that my mother and father should be discriminated against."

The Saudi government has called upon other Arab nations to follow suit. Most have balked.

"The vast majority of Jordanian citizens are law-abiding people who have no sympathy for terrorism," said a spokesman for the Jordanian foreign ministry, "unlike in Saudi Arabia where they have good reason to be afraid. Fifteen of the nineteen 9/11 hijackers were Saudis, after all."

"Quite frankly, I've always thought that the Saudis were a bunch of assholes anyway," said Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas.