By Chris Faulkenberry
Researchers revealed in a press release yesterday that "knowing" does not, in fact, comprise as much of "the battle" as had been previously speculated. In the past, scholars and pundits had postulated the role of knowing from anywhere between 50 and 90 percent of the battle, but recent developments and research have proven this grossly inaccurate.
In reality, the largest part of the battle, comprising 41.1%, is not getting killed. Avoiding death is clearly the most important factor in achieving victory, studies have shown. Knowing comes in second, followed by "killing the other guy," which makes up 23.2% of the criteria for winning the battle. The remaining 1.8% consists of trace elements such as "tactics" and "strategy."
G.I. Joe, a leading advocate for knowledge as applied to the battle, was reluctant to accept these new findings. However, in a recent statement, Lifeline, long-time G.I. Joe and public service announcement star stated, "While the exact percentage of the battle made up of knowing is difficult to… well… know exactly, I and my fellow Joes would still like to stress the importance of not taking medication prescribed for others, looking past stereotypes, avoiding bodies of water in thunderstorms, and not hiding in abandoned refrigerators to the American populace." Lifeline later added, "Yo Joe!"
Despite these new findings, acquisition of knowledge is still important, both in life and in "the battle." G.I. Joe leader and action figure that nobody bothered to own, General Duke, encourages each and every citizen to continue pursuing his or her knowledge of household safety and general politeness. Because now you know. And knowing is a little over a third of the battle. Yo Joe!
Israel Pulls Out, Pregnancy Still a Threat
By Andre Fernandes
History was made this summer as Wedding Crashers made its opening debut and Israel pulled out of the Gaza Strip one last time, cutting relations between the two and laying the groundwork for an awkward re-encounter two years from now at a local thrift store.
Itzhak Helled, a soldier who assisted in the pullout of Israel had little to say on the matter, "What…assisting a pullout? You…you calling me gay or something? I didn't do nothin' and I'll pop one right on yer nose if you tell anyone otherwise. Go away."
Roni Shalom, himself a pullout, says, "I was kind of drunk when I first came into the Gaza Strip, and sorta stuck around afterwards 'cause of the free cable. I'm just glad I was able to pull out before any long-term repercussions came about, if you know what I mean."
Yes Roni, we do know what you mean, and we interviewed Professor Reginald Broflowski at Colorado State University to discuss the merits as well as the cons of pulling out.
"Historically, pulling out only has about a 90% success rate," warns Broflowski, "I have always emphasized, and I continue to emphasize the importance of safe colonization. People just don't seem to want to listen."
Brad Greene P.h.D pending and strong advocate of "Real World" politics scoffs at Broflowski's naïveté.
" Sure it would be great if everyone practiced safe colonization," says Greene, "but come on. In the real world, everyone knows it's nowhere near as satisfying as the unsafe kind. Just look at Greenland. Booooring. It just lacked that razz-matazz. Denmark owns it now 'cause no one else wants it. Now America, with the Indians and the Mexicans and the wars...that was some damn satisfying colonization. And look at us now! Besides, you can only colonize safely for so long. Eventually some cowboy's gonna get drunk and go nuts with his gun. And he won't be shooting blanks."
With the recent pullout of Israel complete, the staff at boUNCe can only assume Gaza will want some degree of cuddling followed by Israel shoving it aside so it can get some freakin' sleep so that just for once it can get to work on time. Conflict will assuredly reemerge tomorrow morning when Gaza tells Israel to cook its own goddamn eggs.
BoUNCe Writer has no morals
By Ben Pulley
In a move leaving think tanks stymied, BoUNCe entered a bidding war for ex-journalist Jillian Bandes. Most people consider Jillian as a racist, or a misleading journalist, or just a person taking up air, but BoUNCe sees the certain "je ne sais quoi", even though we hate France.
When asked as to why she is such a commodity, managing editor Will Jones replied, "Her description of these searches got me kind of aroused. I want her to sex me up like nothing else."
Mr. Jones has recently been issued a restraining order from Ms. Bandes for standing outside her room window in a fake beard and a towel on his head shouting, "I feel like stepping on an airplane. Bomb. Jihad."
Other BoUNCe members have also voiced their reasons as to why they want to fill a void that doesn't exist. Copy editor Stephen Ji exclaimed, "Her word spacing, paragraph construction, the use of semi-colons! She's a fox! I'd let her racially profile me any day."
No word as to if Ms. Bandes will join the magazine. In fact, no one has seen her since she was fired. Speculation asserts she will join the Carolina Review.