By Andy Jones
University officials issued
a statement Tuesday,
announcing that the pedestrian
traffic pattern in the
bottom of Lenoir is to be
once again reconfigured.
In explaining the impetus of this change, one official (who wished to remain anonymous for fear of dismemberment and death and the hands of students in that Facebook group "Save Vel Dowdy") said, "We have come to realize that the current system of walking up and down stairs and through trap-doors across from Jamba Juice is just waaay too intuitive. So, we're gonna switch it up again, you know, now that most of the students have gotten used to it."
The statement, which claimed the goal of the new system is to "increase bewilderment and disorientation among students," used the word "further" as a verb, which is a trend this reporter finds disturbingly pretentious. It has also generated no small amount of complaining from the university community.
Jonathon Ellis, a disgruntled sophomore who was found repeatedly circling the fountain drink dispensers in BOL, told reporters, "What! They're making it more confusing? I can't find my way out of this place as it is. I've been here for four days!" He added, "Do you have any news from the outside?" Brandon Hellman, another disheveled and unshaven student, was found digging a tunnel under Sushi. "Man," he complained, "all I wanted was a chicken sandwich."
Maze-Street, which is the official name of the new traffic configuration plan, should be fully implemented by next week. It will consist of 80 miles of black retractable nylon rope haphazardly strung between whatever structural columns, handrails and cash registers are convenient, but generally leading toward the center of the building. Snack machines will be interspersed throughout in case students get hungry on the way to the center, and Burger King will be replaced by a giant chunk of cheese so blind students can smell which way to go, and because BK is never open anyway. That skiing video game will also be hidden somewhere in there, and it is predicted by those familiar with the new plan that you will get bonus points - and a free meal - if you can manage to find it.