By Paul Preston
As an act of protest against the Darfur genocide or Colombian working conditions or whatever they're on this week, liberal activists from North Campus staged a reenactment of thirdworld refugee camps. Loud, unwashed spokesperson Katie Whithall explained, "We the students have taken the responsibility of showing America just how awful the world that isn't America can be. We are going to sacrifice all the freedoms and comforts we have and show the world how awful it is to be forced from your home into the elements."
The location in which they will simulate complete desolation and poverty? You guessed it: Hinton James.
Fifty unsuspecting freshmen and three suites on the fifth floor have been cleared out to make way for the incoming upper-class activists. Timmy Cantergreen from Raleigh had just pinned up a Weezer poster on the bare, asbestosladen concrete wall of his half of the cell when activists burst in and tore it down.
"I don't understand!" Cantergreen ranted, insensitive to the suffering of those in camps and Hinton James alike. I was hoping for a room and now I'm camped out on the basketball court? How will I protect myself from… well, I guess I'm not missing any heat … and it's really not much noisier out here, you can hear the construction next door just as well in the room… and I guess the pavement feels about like the mattress… well, what if it rains? We'd get wet, dammit!"
Whithall has stormed through the protests of displaced freshmen to bravely suffer. Having abandoned all the feather beds, continental breakfasts, day spas and butlers of her modest North Campus dorm for at least seven nights in the dismal pit of sorrow. Stepping into her room as twenty of her altruistic comrades unpacked, she took a deep breath and spoke through trembling lips. "It's okay… If underage albino Canadian sex slaves can swallow live coals to pay off their parent's heroin debt, I can endure here."