By Sam Morgan
In an effort to “ho up” heaven, God officially fired St. Peter last week. St. Peter, who has presided over the gates since they were built nearly two thousand years ago, called God’s actions “typical frat.”
“He has really gotten outta control lately,” St. Peter said. “Lately it has been nothing but scoring with the chicks and getting laid all the time. Moses is going around parting ladies’ legs, if you know what I mean. Noah is all about going two by two with the girls. Luckily, Jesus is here curing all these rampant STDs. It has really created a hazardous work environment. I’m glad I’m leaving.”
“What I’m looking for now are some nice-ass fly chicks,” God commented before throwing eighteen perfect rounds of beer pong. “No more of this goody-goody shit. St. Peter was totally killin’ the vibe. I’m tired of looking at all these old ugly people who are scared to have a little fun. Fuck! You’re in heaven! Have some fun, bitches! I want to see some titties!” Mary Magdalene promptly flashed everyone and high-fives were had by all.
In place of St. Peter, God has hired three security guards from the company “Mess U Up,” a local favorite for frat parties. The guards will be in charge of letting people in and making sure that no one pukes on the pearly gates.
God has outlined several new rules for the new security guards:
-The shorter the skirt,
the shorter the wait.
-No stray dudes. You better
have a girl to get you in.
-If you don’t pay for
your drinks, your ass will
get kicked the fuck out.
In a related story, plastic surgeons have noted a sharp increase in breast augmentations among nuns.