By Cindi Matson
Hi y’all! My name’s Cindi Matson, and I’m running for Homecoming
Queen and I’d really appreciate your votes this year!
“Why vote for Cindi?” You may ask yourself. What’s her deal?
CONS:
1. Unfortunately, I am a disgustingly average looking girl who’s
a perfect representative of the lackluster, once-a-week
gym-frequenting, “Best in the World!” Carolina Girl;
2. I can’t cleverly use my name in a pun like “Vote Right;”
3. And I don’t have very many shady-looking/even less attractive
friends willing to harass the passersby in front of Lenoir.
PROS:
1. I am white
In fact, sources tell me that I’m the first and only white candidate to ever
run for homecoming queen! So ask yourself these questions: Do I enjoy the
democratic process? Am I unsure if black people have a functioning moral
compass? Am I a run-of-the-mill closet racist? If you answered yes to any of
these questions, it sounds like I’m the only viable option for you!
So when the time comes to vote, whenever that is, vote for Cindi Madison!
And you can trust me to set a strong—yet adorable—stance on
all of the useless things on which women who are elected to a position
which entails wearing a tiara (e.g. governorship of Minnesota) traditionally
set a stance. Unattainable, dreamy things like world peace and hot cocoa
and unicorns for everyone. Men who elect me think that’s cute, and I am
strongly for pleasing men.
(Black guys can vote for me too. You know you want to. But don't tell your mom or your sister, Shantwayna.)