By Andre Fernandes
"Better a bird in the hand
than two in the bush."
WTF? Birds? I can think of exactly
zero life situations where this
piece of shit advice would be useful.
Maybe back in the negative 14th century
you may have used pigeons as
a valid currency, but nowadays we
use printed paper and metal coins.
Welcome to the real world, bitch.
"Always wear a coat and a
scarf."
A scarf? Are you for real? A motherfucking
scarf? Ooh, you knit it yourself?
Who. The. Fuck. Cares. No one's
worn a scarf since the 1920's. I wanted
an Xbox for Christmas, not your handmade
piece of shit, whore. You know
what? Shut the fuck up, grandma. Everyone
laughs at you anyway. I swear,
you're just one huge joke to everyone.
"Good things come to those
who wait."
Typhoons, tornadoes, monsoons,
earthquakes, death, K-Fed's debut
album. Don't bother running for
shelter, it shall be provided unto ye.
"A penny saved is a penny
earned."
I bet you're a cheap tipper. Slut.
"Eat slower, your food isn't
going anywhere."
This one I actually hear from lots of
people, and I feel I should actually discuss
it calmly and with some degree of
rationality. First, we are all a product of
millions of years of evolution. Our ancestors
had to eat quickly, by necessity,
before larger carnivores smelled our
food and came to steal it from us. The
security with which we eat our meals
today hasn't yet been assimilated by our
biological makeup, so just try and understand
the biological baggage that makes
me who I am. Second, suck my dick.
"Don't worry. God has a
plan for everything."
Please choose here your argument:
a) child slavery
b) Mark Foley
c) serial killers
d) cerebral palsy
e) eat me