By L. Waldron, M. Hissom
So, you're studying abroad next semester. Kudos to you. I have not yet been able to convince my parents to pay for me to go to Europe or Asia and get plastered legally thousands of miles away from home.
But, from what I hear, there is nothing better than living luxuriously in a foreign country, immersed in cultures and hot women with exotic accents. Studying abroad can be the best experience of one's college career if you choose the right country.
However, studying abroad could go terribly wrong. You could not know the language, the food could suck and the hottest girl there could be Sarah Jessica Parker. No, she isn't hot. Stop deluding yourself.
Naturally, you'd want to go home, but, knowing you, you'd have probably just spent all your money on booze, hookers and back issues of Us Weekly.
Fear no more, hedonistic alcoholics, we have a solution: deportation. Getting deported would mean a free ride back to the United States without the inconvenience of having to stow yourself in the bowels of an aircraft. You could come back home to your friends, your fake ID and, most importantly, back to BoUNCe.
"But what would I have to do to get deported?" you ask. Well, we have compiled a list of ten thoroughly researched and painstakingly tested possibilities just for you.
1) Take the monarch / president / communist dictator's daughter for the perfect expensive dinner and a moonlight walk on the beach, and then never call her again. Sure she might be hot, but Carolina girls are the best in the world, remember? It's on all those T-shirts.
2) Catapult a giant wooden rabbit from atop an old historical castle while screaming French gibberish.
3) State that your "royal jewels" are both larger and more iridescent than the monarch's, and then fondle your balls suggestively. If you're a girl, simply pop out your ovaries and fondle them instead.
4) Have the BoUNCe staff mail you various explosives, toxins or strains of monkey pox. We'll disguise it well, don't worry. Plus, who doesn't like mail?
5) Demand that everybody you speak to only speak in English, Pig Latin or Spanish up to UNC Spanish 204.
6) Insist on holding your hand out at a 45 degree angle while acknowledging one's presence. This usually works best while wearing all white and avoiding eye contact.
7) Show everybody your hilarious comic about the great prophet Muhammad.
8) Go to a beer garden in Bavaria, and when the cute blonde server who speaks English with a subtle German accent informs you that they serve seven hundred different kinds of beers from eighty five countries, order a Sam Adams.
9) Explain to everyone that Queen Elizabeth was the "virgin queen"… only if you don't count anal.
10) Tell everyone about your new documentary: "Princess Diana… When road head goes bad…"
There you go. Ten easy ways to get your ass sent back to the land of subdivisions, NC State students and Freedom Fries... or at least get the shit kicked out of you.