By Andy Jones
Various conservative political action
groups have recently began speaking
out in protest of the phrase "the birds
and the bees" as a euphemism for doing
the hibbity jibbity. "I'm sure you
are familiar with our position on gay
marriage," a spokesman for Nuclear
Family Righteousness said. "So, you
can understand our frustration with
this term that condones – nay, encourages
– interspecies copulation.
Think about it. The birds AND the
bees? What are we telling these kids?"
"It's disturbing, really," commented a representative from Heterosexual Family Unit Number One. "Here we are telling these children about things they are too young to understand in the first place, and then we corrupt their impressionable minds with images of avian and insect intercourse. Who knows what they think."
As it turns out, these groups have some evidence for their protest. Several gangs of middle-school aged boys in Montana were found trying to sequester birds and do the hibbity jibbity with them. Fortunately for the birds, the boys soon became frustrated with their inability to find anything appealing to stick their wieners into, and designated the weakest and most friendless boy among them to "play bird." "Well, what can I say," remarked the father of one of the boys involved in the incident, "I'm a little disappointed that Timmy there tried to rape a bird and then successfully raped that little retard Stevens kid, but, you know, boys will be boys."
Further evidence for the recent conservative uproar over the euphemism could be found in the behavior of another group of children in Oregon, who have completely abandoned standard awkward middle-school sexual pursuits. The boys have taken to posing as flowers in order to attract bees to their nether regions, hoping that one of these bees will carry their gametes into the stigma of one of the few slutty girls who have followed the boys' example in dress, thus achieving some kind of pleasure-less copulation. "God, Betty- Anne is so smokin' in that there flower get-up," one of the local boys commented, "I would totally pollinate that."