By Sam Morgan & Ryan Dowdy
In case you weren't handed one of those little fliers by the chipmunk in the Pit a few weeks ago, you should be aware that 87% of incoming freshman have been exposed to hardcore porn on multiple occasions. If you are part of this 87%, it shouldn't come as a surprise. If you are part of this 13% you should quit reading this magazine and go read your Bible some more.
Now that we got all the douches out of the way, lets get down to the dirty stuff. Basically you are going to look up porn in college, just like you are going to have sex, drink alcohol, do drugs, skip class and catch an STD. Chances are someone will eventually walk in on you sitting naked at the computer looking at Lindsay Lohan's cooter. BoUNCe is here to prepare you for these tricky situations when a few seconds can make the difference in what your roommate thinks of you.
The quickest way to avoid any awkward conversations with your girlfriend or pastor who just happened to stop by is the Alt+F4 short cut. This closes your current window, giving you enough time to open up a game of Minesweeper and start complaining about how it's "fucking impossible!"
"But bro," you may ask, "what if I'm looking up some awesome pictures of a lesbian ménage à trois on my roommate's computer?" Well, my friend, the solution is simple. First of all, make sure you are browsing in Firefox. Secondly, just press Ctrl+Shift+Delete and then Enter to delete the browser history. Everything is gone. Slate wiped clean, unlike your hand. You should definitely go wash that dude, it's disgusting.
However, a wise roommate will notice that all his favorite sites have been cleared and will smell something fishy (besides your hand). If you have the time, simply hit Ctrl+H and then manually erase all the porn sites that show up on your history file.
Additionally, if you type in www. dirtysluts.com into your address bar, as soon as you type something else that starts with a d, you are going to be reminded of those great pictures you were looking at. To avoid this reminder, simply send the address of the porn site to yourself on AIM. Click on the link and happy viewing. After you have finished in about three minutes, you can delete those sites from your history and they won't show up on your address bar!
However, if you can't control yourself and you feel like you absolutely must keep a permanent record, then please keep it in a folder that is pretty well hidden. No titles such as "Big Titties 4 Me" and "Dude, this chick swallows!!!!11" Try to find something that no one would think of looking at. Name it after a particular class of yours, and if you want to get really witty, name the folder "Comm 545," which used to be the Porn Class. Then you can just say it's for homework!
Hopefully these helpful hints will guide you on your way to stress free porn viewing and keep your mother, girlfriend and roommate(s) completely in the dark about whatever it is you do in the dark. However, please remember to clean up after yourself. Happy whacking, boys and girls!