By Clayton Margeson
The UNC Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Alliance just announced last Friday that they will now be a safe haven for Vampires as well. They say that Vampires are "the fourth most persecuted alternative lifestyle in the United States," a statistic that Safe Zone Coordinator Assistant Bradley Hurrs describes as "unacceptable."
"We have no right to judge others by their preferences," Hurrs said. "If some people prefer to stalk virgins in back alleys, sucking their blood until they eventually rise to join the ever-growing army of the undead, then that's their choice as Americans."
Even in areas heavily populated with vampires, the night dwellers face danger. Hurrs describes a situation in which "ignorant townsfolk are constantly identifying vampires and, due to unfounded fear, are hunting them down and staking them."
Also according to Hurrs, this activity is becoming more commonplace in the United States as well, and even on UNC campus. Groups such as the United Christians Against Godlessness have organized candlelit vigils every night this week, most of which have offered free garlic, crosses and holy water in order to repel potential undead appeals.
"God doesn't want these freaks in our school," said UCAG president Franklin Morris. "What they do is just…unnatural. They are predators, and have no place in normal society."
He later added, "Now, I myself don't have any say about what you do behind closed doors, that's true, but when you're out in public, you just eat food and drink beer like a normal person, none o' that blood suckin' business."
Newest officer for the renamed LGBTQVA, Archibald DerBladovic, only wishes for vampires to be left alone. "Many humans are scared! Zey realize changes in ze body after being bitten by one of the Vampir! If zey see a sticker of ze multiple colors rainbow, zey know zis is a safe room to discuss zese changes! Blah!"
UCAG has even appealed to Chancellor Moeser, who is known for his ambivalent stance towards club undead policies after the DTH replaced half of their editorial staff with zombies.