By Gavin Hackeling
Violence between native
ethnic groups has
erupted in Hungria, or
Romanova, or one of those
former Soviet nations, reported
sources from within
whatever country it is.
Romanova or Hungria's neighbors to the north, including Poland, Fangor, Mesopotamia, Poland and Turkmenistan, have sent aid workers and opened refugee camps to assist those displaced by the fighting.
"It is terrible, zis violence," said one person from that country where the violence is. "Everyday, more and more fighting. Why do they hate us so?"
The United Nations has offered to send peace-keeping troops in hopes of quelling the violence as soon as the nation is actually located.
Meanwhile, a terrorist cell staged a military coup in Blank-Blankistan.
Too far: Nothing safe from Facebook's News Feed
By Will Niver
With the latest round of upgrades and improvements, Facebook now updates on every facet of your friends' personal dayto- day routines. Among the most recent news feed:
- Will Niver jacked off to pictures of you in that French maid costume from Halloween 2005.
- Everyone you know joined the group "For Every 1,000 People who Join this Group, I'll Donate $1 to Darfur." People still died because it takes more than grand-standing attention whores to resolve humanitarian crises.
- Your best friend wrote on the wall of your ex-girlfriend, that filthy back-stabbing bastard.
- The old perv at yesterday's job interview also jacked off to pictures of you from Halloween 2005, then hired you instead of that jackass Robertson Scholar.
- You were poked by a guy you haven't seen in 4 years. Where? One hint, rhymes with 'nut troll.'
Velociraptors offer intense therapy
By Tommy Allen
Not satisfied with the everyday usage of puppies, kittens and other cuddly animals? A team of genetic researchers at InGen has successfully resurrected velociraptors, vicious 6-million-year-old predatory dinosaurs, for us in animal therapy.
"A bunch of us had just returned from a company-sponsored therapy dog session," one geneticist remarked, referring to the common therapy practice of using cute, well-trained dogs and cats to make people feel better, "and one of us got the idea of using a dinosaur for a therapy animal. We foresaw some potential problems, but we thought we'd give it a shot." Thus began the career of velociraptors as therapy animals.
"It really puts things into perspective, narrowly escaping a vicious Cretaceous predator," one happy patient said. "You appreciate life so much more after you've nearly had your head bitten off."
Reports continue to flood in with praise for therapy raptors. Kendall Rosnick, who had been suffering from depression, reported that fleeing for her life helped her rekindle her love of exercise.
"They really do get your heart rate up," said the lead researcher, Karl Maussprechen. "Sometimes all you have to do is just walk the beast into the room and the patient hits their lactate threshold."
Initially, researchers found that people were averse to the idea of a therapy program involving carnivores. However, most of their fears were allayed after several prominent therapists pointed out that dogs and cats are technically carnivorous as well. "Just because they aren't furry, people judge them," said one patient.
Meanwhile, InGen is opening an internship program for interested college students. Successful applicants will have knowledge of molecular cloning and excellent sprinting abilities.