BoUNCe will not get you laid

By Sam "Orgasm Man" Morgan

I joined BoUNCe in the fall semester of my first year here at Carolina with high hopes. When I heard the shouts from the BoUNCe-shirt-clad staff members that I would get laid as soon as joining this heralded magazine, I knew I had found my place in this university. I wanted to get laid and this magazine promised to help me.

Unfortunately, this has not happened.

Not once, in any of my sexual exploits, has BoUNCe been the reason. And believe me, I have asked.

After one particularly passion filled night, I turned to my lover and asked, "Why, pray tell, did you choose to spend the past eight hours in fits of burning love with me? Was it because of my witty articles in BoUNCe?" She could barely catch her breath from the 37 orgasms she had had, but I saw her shake her head no. We then proceeded another three hours under my Egyptian-cotton bed sheets, but my heart just wasn't in it this time.

Even handing out this magazine doesn't help. During one eventful day handing it out in front of Lenior, I stretched my arm out to this one particularly dashing young woman. With a sly wink of my dark brown eye I told her that this magazine would change her life. Intrigued, she took it from my grasp, but slowly traced her hand up my chiseled and muscled arm and began to finger my full head of the deepest brown hair. She then took me (not to my dismay) right then and there in the Pit, and as my taut and knotted six-pack heaved from the mind-numbing explosion that echoed between the buildings, she turned and walked away without a backwards glance to even acknowledge me... and without a magazine.

Not only that, but I even propositioned the Student Body President herself, the glorious Eve Carson, by inviting her to participate in the Point Counterpoint in this magazine. And how does she respond? "Fuck Off." But sing her an a capella rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer," with an armful of roses under a starry night sky with only the glow of the moon to enshrine your love, and she is all yours.

Nay, it has not been because of my contributions to this hilarious magazine that my own illustrious sword of girth has graced the inner temple of the many fine and sultry women of this campus. Curse this magazine!