And now, in the business world...

By Paul Preston
S&M Dentistry

Sony recently made a statement about "the greatest success in the history of video game marketing," reporting over 50,000 units of "Air Guitar Hero." Sony attributes their success to selling users a product with a production cost of essentially nothing, with same-day delivery guaranteed, free of charge. The latest Guitar Hero saga will be the first game playable on the as-of-yet unreleased Air-PlayStation 3, which is slated for release in February...

...Speaking of paying for nothing, in a continuing tradition of financial success through mind-boggingly counter-intuitive product concepts, O'Doul's has announced plans to release a custom line of medical anesthetic. This product will be marketed to individuals preparing for surgery who are willing to pay more for an anesthetic with no risk of addiction or grogginess. O'Doul's spokesmen have guaranteed that their anesthetic will look, smell and taste like traditional anesthetic, without the unpleasant numbness or drowsiness...

...Speaking of painful medical procedures, a group of small privatepractice entrepreneurs have announced astounding success in the dentist industry by modeling themselves with an S&M theme. While most are uncomfortable receiving dental care from a dominatrix, private firms to adopt this practice quickly cornered the market of dental care for masochists, many of whom would pay extra for verbal abuse during check-ups. Despite the thousands of dollars saved yearly by not providing any anesthetic, the American Dental Association has been hesitant to approve a method that allegedly inspires poor dental care in customers intending to elicit stronger punishments...

...Speaking of profiting from sexual insecurity, in an answer to public outcry about the misogyny prevalent in their astoundingly successful ad campaigns, Axe® Body Spray made a gesture of compromise to women's rights groups by releasing Axe® Body Spray For Women. The new set of ad spots involve various scenes of average-looking women running in terror through everyday locales, pursued by a mob of muscular, handsome, well-oiled and half-nude men sporting raging, mega-huge boners. Since the test-release of the new line in New York, sales have been lacking and sexual assault rates have octupled...

...Speaking of well-oiled, Chick-fil-a announced that its CEO would be logging community service hours for punching a koala by merging with a national substance-dependence counseling group. This new fast-food and shelter-for-addicts, dubbed Chick-fil- A.A., will treat alcoholics by weaning them onto the marginally healthier, significantly legaler, and equally addictive chicken nugget 12-packs. Many weary souls have rallied under the group's prayer - "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and some waffle fries."...

...Speaking of unwise dietary habits, marketing gurus at Chemotaxis chemical manufacturing conglomerate have terminated their recent foray into residential marketing with their latest product, sodium-free salt. The diet-craze-oriented condiment enjoyed staggering high sales to dieters longing for salty goodness. Sales began to falter only when a chemistry major remarked that sodium-free salt is just chlorine gas. By then, authorities had reported the most chlorine-poisoning deaths of non-science majors since the time an Apex, NC, groundskeeper decided the local gopher problem called for "desperate measures."...

...Speaking of noxious gases, room-scent freshener company Glade has found mixed results of their recent foray into extreme marketing. For the most part, the "Room-Clearer®" line of scents suffered from weak sales, with such fragrances as "Burnt Popcorn ®," "Ripe Roadkill®," "Dead Baby®," and "Mexican Food Flatulence ®" mostly being purchased as emergency measures for visiting in-laws. However, profits broke even when the National Guard purchased 120,000 units of "Nerve Gas" and "Chili Belch" for the urban control division...

...Speaking of intrusive household odors, diaper producer Pampers has announced disappointing sales for their latest line of potty-training diapers, "Alkal- luv Trainers." The product model involved diapers lined with a cocktail of lithium, magnesium and various other unstable light metals which, when exposed to moisture, erupt in an exothermic reaction hot enough to melt lead. This method of negative feedback to teach toddlers that pee-pee pants is a no-no has had astounding success, with some children so well potty-trained that they're afraid to urinate at all, which raises questions of why parents rarely continue purchasing after the first pack.