It's all in the stars! A horoscope for you

By Matthew Wait

Aries (March 21- April 19): The upcoming weeks will be some of the best of your life, but you will probably not remember them because you are a drunken slut.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Have a can-do attitude, and keep an eye out for opportunities heading your way. You will die in eight days.

Priapus (May 21-June 21): It's another month of having a gigantic penis. You will have tons of sex with multiple new and exciting partners, get A's on every one of your examinations, master an art form, and receive an envelope in the mail containing a check for $10,000.

Gemini: No matter how hard you try or how fast you run, your evil twin will continue to evade your efforts to prove his existence.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Then the fifth angel blew his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. It was given the key for passage to the abyss. It opened the passage to the abyss, and smoke came up out of the passage like smoke from a huge furnace. The sun and the air were darkened by the smoke from the passage. Locusts came out of the smoke onto the land, and they were given the same power as scorpions of the earth. They were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any plant or any tree, but only [you]. They were not allowed to kill [you] but only to torment [you] for five months; the torment they inflicted was like that of a scorpion when it stings a person. During that time [you] will seek death but will not find it, and [you] will long to die but death will escape [you].

Virgo (August 23-September 22): During the next month, you will continue to live up to the status implied by the name "Virgo."

Monkey (1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004): You are a person with a variety of amiable personality traits and a few quirks that can be negative at certain times. The next few weeks will contain a mixture of good and bad events that will correspond closely with a description given to you by a horoscope, as though it were a self-fulfilling prophesy. Compatible with: Snake, Tiger, Octopus.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Your girlfriend will finally let you use the back door. She's tired of you tracking mud in through the kitchen.

Ox (2141, 2153, 2165, 2177, 2189, 2201, 2213, 2225): You will face challenges in the coming weeks as the omnipresent murderbots draw ever closer to your flying house within the walls of the last human city. Get in touch with your inner self and make sure your fission ray blaster is set for lethal damage. Compatible with: Sea Panda, Super Roach, Hypno-Badger. Avoid the Gorilleagle.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You will kill your parents. Kill your parents. Kill! Kill! Kill!

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't stop, it will soon be here. It will be better than before. Yesterday is gone. Yesterday is gone.

If you were born today: Congratulations! You are one year closer to your inevitable death! Hopefully the apocalypse will come before then so you can see how the world ends, or maybe you'll just be killed as it starts and nobody will show you the finale where Jesus tapdances on Satan's back while singing songs in the voice of Little Orphan Annie. Happy birthday!