Honor Court Finalizes Code of Punishment's Latest Version

By Andrew Magee

It was announced last Friday afternoon that the Honor Court would begin posting comprehensive lists of offenses and the corresponding punishments. This list, written in stone upon large granite slabs, will be placed in high-traffic areas around campus. In the same vein as the ancient Babylonian Code of Hammurabi, the Honor Court is attempting to raise awareness of the consequences of engaging in certain actions not in keeping with the Honor Code. Says Honor Court spokesman Ryan Monroe, "Once this program is implemented, evildoers will know exactly what they have coming!"

-Plagiarism/Cheating – Failing grade on assignment, 6 hours of community service.

-Use of a fake ID
- confiscation of the ID and reception of the threat, "I know your face, buddy."

-Possession/Use of Alcohol
– "I'm just going to pretend this didn't happen, alright?"

-Publicly burning the American Flag
– Congratulatory article in the DTH, death bounty from the Carolina Review

-Striking or assaulting a student
– one week suspension

-Striking or assaulting a T.A.
– two weeks suspension

-Striking or assulting a Professor
– four weeks suspension

-*Striking or assaulting a Minority
– an additional 2 weeks suspension on top of previously stated punishment. Death bounty from the DTH, congratulatory article in the Carolina Review.

-Illegally removing food from Rams Head or TOL
– 100 lashes upon the bare back

-Violating max dorm room occupancy
– 150 lashes upon the bare back, 30 minutes on the rack, and 1 day in the Iron Maiden

-Illegally downloading music or movies
– Death (slow and painful)

-Aggravated preaching to students in the pit without a license
- one hundred lashes, and crucifixion on the hill.

-Violence against people and property
- You shall be immersed in the Phlegethon, a river of blood boiling with a black heat, guarded on the banks by the raging Centaurs, under the command of Chiron the wise and sleepless, where you shall churn and twist on a spit of remorse until the time of the Final Judgement.