Two for one colorful celebrations

By Paul Preston
Spot the Real Policeman

The town council of Pensacola, Fla. - in an attempt to the obviate conservative opposition to its annual Gay Pride parade that has plagued the event in years past - this year scheduled the parade to be on Flag Day.

This resulted in dozens of old, conservative white people watching a parade composed of equal parts of openly gay people expressing their sexuality in all its clichéd flamboyance - complete with peacock feathers and techno music - and American flags displayed in various patriotic manners.

The air was heavy with cries of, "There are so many flags out here today!," "I don't think I've ever seen this many flags at once!," and "Get a load of this one! That's the biggest flag I've ever seen!" Some religious groups made use of the Bible's stance on idolatry to dampen the spirits of the celebration, carrying posters aimed at flag-carriers that read: "God hates flags," "Flag Worship is sin," and "All flags go to hell."

"We all knew Pensacola had a lot of flags," said mayor John Reinbolt, "but this is overwhelming. This place is literally overrun with flags. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, and its nice that all the gays are here too."

However, despite the occasional quibble, participants in the Gay Pride/Flag Day parade were generally pleased with the results of the fusion holiday. "I'm just so impressed by everyone's change in heart!" gushed area gay guy Julio Bibby, "I never expected such support from all the right-wingers in this town. I just saw a group of conservatives rallying to legalize flag-burning! It's amazing the kind of open-mindedness you can generate with just a simple parade. It totally proves that not every celebration has to end like last year's `Burn a Bundle of Sticks Day,' ... or the previous year's `Talk like an Englishman Who Hates Cigarettes Day.'"