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DEAR ALLI:

This guy has been stalking me. He writes for some lame humor magazine, and he keeps writing me these love letters through the magazine. I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm not really interested and the letters are just kind of weird and awkward. How can I communicate to him that it's just not going to happen, and maybe he should consider leaving me alone?
-E.C. the SBP

DEAR E.C.:

There are several ways to ditch this guy. (You're right, he does sound like a total loser.)
  1. Convince Chancellor Moeser to give him straight A's for the rest of his college career. He's an aspiring comedian, and the cast of SNL will never let him live down a 4.0.
  2. Get him his own program on STV. He wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility - I mean, he can barely edit two pages. How could he possibly run a TV show?
  3. Give him prime riser spots to the Duke game. He doesn't like basketball and doesn't even know who Roy Williams is. He'd feel obligated to go, but he'd be miserable... especially if that giant head ended up on the Jumbotron.

If all else fails, just cut his magazine's funding.

Keep us posted!
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