BoUNCe changes evil ways

By Sarah Wolper

After six shameful years of heinously flouting the rules of journalism and fabricating news stories for the purpose of satire, BoUNCe magazine has changed its vision and from now on will report solely serious matters and use factual evidence.

"It is about time we stopped being a disgrace to this university," intoned Editor-In-Chief Clayton Margeson in a speech before student congress. "It is time for us to abandon our childish pursuits and have our magazine joins the ranks of legitimate journalistic publications."

"On behalf of all BoUNCe staff, past and present, I apologize for any hurt we may have caused UNC during the past few years," Margeson solemnly added, a lone tear trickling down his cheek. The rest of the BoUNCe staff greeted the news with relief and optimism.

"I feel like this huge weight's been lifted off me," said Associate Editor Sam Morgan. "I always felt like such a terrible person writing for BoUNCe. But now that we've changed direction, I feel cleansed in a way. Maybe now [Student Body President] Eve [Carson] will like me!"

"I also feel that this is a very positive step in the right direction," said Staff Writer Will Niver. "As a Journalism major, I need to acquire the skills necessary to succeed in the real world. The sort of skills I can't get from writing for a crap publication like BoUNCe."

Nevertheless, some staff objected to the overhaul in the magazine's content.

"This is absurd!" said Treasurer Jack Hamilton Garvey. "We represent a unique voice of the student body. A voice that caters to the student body's need for brilliantly hilarious commentary on pertinent issues such as zombie attacks and boobs. I will not stand for this!"

Garvey promptly stormed off to drown his sorrows in a vat of 90 proof home-brewed Lithuanian firewhiskey. After two hours he was passed out on an exercise bike.