Honor court convicts masterminds of South Campus gerbil fighting ring

By Andrew Magee
Gerbil fight

Three UNC freshmen were convicted yesterday by the Honor Court for their roles in establishing and administering the short-lived UNC South Campus Gerbil Fighting Ring. Honor Court Judge Elizabeth Williams read the verdict yesterday afternoon in the Pit after seven and a half minutes of deliberation by the student jury. "The Honor Court of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill hereby finds Roger Fillmore, Taylor Ridge, and John Harold guilty of Crimes against Humanity, Animal Cruelty, and 87 counts of violating the maximum number of persons allowed in a dorm room," stated Williams.

Though these three criminals have not yet been sentenced, Judge Williams expects the punishment to be severe. "These scumbags have proven by their actions that they cannot possibly be of any further value to society, and whatever punishment is decided will be geared to ensure that society stays safe from their influence. Nobody who displays such blatant disregard for the Housing Contract, which clearly states that no pets are allowed in dorm rooms, should be allowed to walk free."

The notorious Gerbil Fighting ring has resulted in the death or serious injury of an estimated 250 gerbils since its inception in early August. Despite the widespread condemnation of their actions, the three boys are unrepentant. "I don't see what the big deal is," exclaimed Roger Fillmore upon hearing the verdict. "I mean, it was just a way to unwind from classes, what with all the stress we students hve to deal with. You come back to the dorm, take your shoes off, grab a soda, flip on the TV, and watch a few gerbils fight to the death." John Harold said, "Sure, there was a little bit of money involved in the fights, but that just kept things friendly. The only damage was a few bitten fingers and some dead gerbils. I don't understand why everyone is getting so worked up over this. It's not like we were downloading music illegally off of LimeWire." Taylor Ridge took a slightly different stance, stating bitterly this morning, "In my opinion, the system is to blame. If we were anything other than three rich white conservative Protestants, I honestly think this whole thing would have blown over."