Newsbriefs
Russian people question upcoming election legitimacy

Jack Garvey

By law, Russia's President Vladimir Putin cannot seek a third consecutive term as president, but many doubt Putin will let something like the law get between him and power, despite his assurances to the contrary.

"Comrades, I will not seek a third term," said Putin. Rumors, however, have begun to fly ever since the name Pladimir Vutin appeared on preliminary ballots.

"He is my identical twin brother, who has kept in hiding during my tenure in office. I believe he is the best candidate because he will continue all of my policies and make decisions exactly as I would," explained Putin.

Putin plans to head another branch of government as Prime Minister. Skeptics have cried foul since the constitution was recently amended by Putin to include a provision banning the President and Prime Minister from ever appearing together in public.

Lab experiment goes horribly wrong, somehow

Sarah Wolper

Sources reported Monday that a routine biology lab procedure in Caudill Laboratories suddenly and inexplicably went "horribly wrong."

"It was...awful. Just awful," muttered freshman Dana Patricks, seated outside Caudill, rocking slowly back and forth. "There was ...and then I...oh God, the bodies..." added Patricks before bursting into a fit of unintelligible weeping and being hastily escorted away by an FBI agent.

Many of the forthcoming details of the incident were similarly veiled, although reporters did manage to glean the phrases "mass breakout," "cannibalism," and "Sweet Jesus, they ate Susan!!"

A number of government officials have taken up residence in Caudill Lab in what University officials are calling "standard emergency procedure."

One official was reached for comment. Upon questioning as to why he was covered in blood and claw marks, and what was causing the loud moaning and scratching noises from inside Caudill, the official responded, "There's nothing to see here. Simple chemical fire - no biggie. Trust me. You won't even remember this come tomorrow---"

5 dead in 'Soulja Boy' induced gym massacre

Sarah Wolper

University police reported Tuesday that last week's killing spree at the Ramshead Rec Center was triggered by overexposure to the hit single "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)."

"The accused, sophomore Randall Marone, was calmly pedaling on an exercise bike," noted Officer Bryan Johnson. "Then the song came on and everything just went to hell."

Marone reportedly started screaming "No more! I can't take any more," while using a ten pound free weight to club people in the head. Melissa Burns, who escaped with a minor concussion, expounded on the situation:

"I was just doing stretches," she said, "then all of a sudden, I hear screaming and this one guy shouting 'No, I won't watch you crank it and watch you roll!' Then everything went black."

University psychologist Jeannette Washington tried to explain the behavior.

"One must remember that the human brain is a delicate instrument. It is essential to limit overexposure to "Crank Dat" to avoid- Soulja Boy Syndrome."

"Bodies" creators announces new Female Bodies exhibit

Tommy Allen

After the recent success of "Bodies…The Exhibition" during its stop in the Chapel Hill-Durham area, its parent company is looking to do a follow-up shortly.

The title of the new attraction is "Female Bodies…Exhibitionism," and it should arrive in Chapel Hill on October 31. For convenience, the exhibit will be on Franklin Street from approximately 10:00 PM until 3:30 AM.

In contrast to the usual approach of "Bodies," the focus will be principally on external anatomical details.

The usual polymer process applied to the specimens will be slightly modified with this goal in mind. According to one spokesman, "Imagine shoving the female form into the smallest possible skintight vinyl sleeve; it really brings out the...details."

In further deviation from previous methods, the exhibit's designers plan on using live specimens to enhance the interactivity of the presentation. If you are interested in attending this newest attraction, come out to Franklin Street; almost all of the females there will be participating.