Reply and Die From: < ITS Alert Center >
To: < Campus Listserv >
Subject: < New Policy >

Users beware: Replying to an entire listserv from a campus email account is now punishable with death by firing squad. This resolution comes as a result of an unusually irksome deluge of unsolicited emails in recent weeks. ITS estimates that four out of every five emails received at the beginning of this year were sent by a careless or incompetent freshman replying to a listserv, compared to only fifty percent generated by such means last year. "We considered resetting the system default to 'reply to sender' instead of 'reply to all' when the 'reply' button is clicked," said an ITS spokesman, "but it's been this way for so long that cluttered inboxes have sort of become a campus tradition, much like drinking from the Old Well." He added, "Plus, we kind of like the voyeurism aspect." When asked what he hoped the new policy would achieve, he responded, "Well, the new policy is intended merely to curb these unsolicited emails without staunching them completely. We still want to get one every now and then, you know, a few juicy tidbits strewn in with the bland INFORMATIONALs so that every irrelevant email I read is not boring as hell, but this is just too damn many. So, instead of changing the listerv system, we're just killing people. Don't worry; the gossip won't stop. It's just too easy to accidentally spam a listerv. But, if you do, we will kill you. Sorry. We know it sounds harsh, but we think it's fairer for everyone this way."

To illustrate his point, the ITS spokesman cited an incident that occurred last week. One young woman, identified only by her full name, date of birth, PID, Onyen and password, mother's maiden name and favorite Backstreet Boy, sent a message to the entire academic advising listserv inquiring if "incompletes" would be factored into one's GPA if one were to withdraw from school for medical reasons, and if not, whether gonorrhea counts as a medical reason. Needless to say, countless students received her confidential inquiry. Equally needless to say, these students then reacted by saying something along the lines of, "Daaaymn, slut" or "boo-ya-ka-sha" or "oh, shit, I need some penicillin."

Not all unsolicited emails are interesting, however. Sophomore Jane Johnson has complained on numerous occasions to ITS representatives about receiving emails from strangers in her club listserv about personal conflicts regarding scheduled group activities. "I just don't care that Tom is going to miss the club meeting because his girlfriend's ferret died last week and she really needs him to be there for her right now," she remarked yesterday. "Fucking pussy," she added.

Jane can now rest easy, as listserv abusers are now being taken care of by ITS execution agents as part of a program funded by a technology grant from the NSA Domestic Spying Program. Just last week, agents burst into a freshman's room in the middle of the night, detained her for questioning and confiscated her CCI laptop. The delinquent's body was found having been strangled by a USB cord and bludgeoned over the head with her own computer. The new policy is expected to be in full effect by the end of the month, and as a result, the number of unsolicited listerv replies is expected to decline to a manageable trickle. Like ticket distribution bracelets and the swim test, these unsolicited listserv replies are expected to soon become something that only seniors bitch about.