By Ryan Dowdy & Sam Morgan
Next month, the Campus Recreation Office will offer its first competitive opportunity for the worldwide sporting revolution known as "Jew-ball." Having gained popularity in the alleys of Gaza, Jew-ball has enjoyed a rapid diaspora to all regions of the globe. Campus Rec introduced the new intramural in response to the cries of demand from AEII fraternity that, "we Jews need a sport that we can call our own, that we can belong to."
There are nearly an infinite number of rules to the complicated game. The official rules are yet to be determined since they are still being written by the head referee. Therefore, most players cheat, lie and steal in order to to gain possession of the coveted ball. Whenever a foul is committed the player's mother runs out to field screaming,
"Vy are you vasting time playing schtupid schports when you could be schtudying to be a doctor like your brother?"
Most players wear a protective yarmulkes for safety since the ball is made up of dried foreskins wrapped around a stack of money. The "foreball" is then tossed and kicked around the field. After each point is scored the official Dreidel - Trex 9000 from Nike is spun to award extra points. However if it lands on the Gimel side, the spinner must give half of his next Hanukkah presents to a member of the opposing team.
Organizers are hoping the opening ceremony will draw thrill-seekers in. The sacrifice lamb for luck gives off an unusually pungent aroma that will surely stimulate any passerby's attention. The sport has to use the less traditional burning sacrifice because the Athletic Department would not let them bring a gas chamber onto the field.
In an effort to get more participants AE member, Chaim Bergman, released this statement: "It's cool to do Jew stuff." However he mentioned that gentiles are discouraged from playing. "Those goyim have no idea of the number of rules in Jew-ball. They would get confused before they could shout, `Jesus H. Christ' in vain, of course," Bergman claimed.
For those who are interested in playing Jew-ball, games will now be played on the corner of the Ehringhaus field where there is very little shade, grass, or fresh water nearby. While this had been the site of the Student Muslim Association's Annual Softball Tournament, the Student Congress gave it to the groups interested in playing Jew-Ball. In response, the SMA's head said, "We will not let the infidels win. We will bomb the mother lovin' shit out of their next game and take back all of the land that is rightfully ours."