By Paul Preston
JULY- In a bold move
denounced by many naysayers
as a step towards
campus communism,
Student
Government
recently
imposed restrictions
on
the Greek
system's ability
to hump girls.
Speaker of Congress
Luke Farley told
the Panhellenic Council,
"This is America,
and we as well as any
know the merit and liberties
of a free economy.
However, anyone can
find flaws in the system.
"We have seen that there is little to no correllation between someone's appeal and their likelihood of scoring on any given night. According to a recent census, 70% of non-Greek males retained their virginity through freshman year, and 80% of freshman girls fellated a fraternity brother who simply wasn't paying attention.
"We don't want to coddle the disadvantaged - this is just a handup, not a hand-out."
In the interests of justice and to prevent non-Greeks from becoming rapists/homosexuals/ both, several measures have been taken to try and stymie the flow of booty into frat houses.
An early idea was to enforce a dress code among brothers so tasteless and plain that it would attract ridicule, but the notion was quickly struck down when someone pointed out that that idea already failed miserably. Among solutions in development are giving all pledges mandatory herpes infections, and labeling all brothers with a plaque that advertises their penis measurements. These enforcements are expected to decrease Grecian sexual activity by as much as 30%.
A representative of a prestigious Greek household was later reached for comment. "This is an outrage!" roared pasty, sanguine Chet McCrombie, popping the collar of his pink pastel polo shirt so hard that the fibers strained audibly.
"Student Government has no right to impose this kind of fascism! Getting unquestioning, unresisting freshman tail is one of the Greek system's greatest strengths! You think pledges join so they can wear Tevas?"
He hesitated momentarily to angrily wave aside a concubine bearing a beer stein and some Fritos. "I tell you, this means war. If these people want to go all pinko on us, we'll have no choice but to bomb their naval bases, and take the Pacific for ourselves!"