By Sarah Hodges
Following a terrorist plot last month to blow up planes using everyday liquids, and the subsequent banning of liquids on planes, the FAA has boldly banned solids and gases from all flights.
"Solids and gases will join the list of items banned on all flights, which currently includes such things as liquids, nail clippers, catapults, (and snakes?)" announced FAA spokeswoman Donna Leeds. "These changes will make the list of banned items easier to remember and will eliminate discrimination felt by samurais and knitters by banning all hobbies from the cabin."
Professor Devin Boules agrees that this change was necessary. "Past regulations were enacted in response to previous terrorist attempts, not trying to foresee future actions. Now we are one step ahead of the terrorists. Those sandmonkeys won't know what hit them!"
With the new regulations in place, passengers are urged to arrive at the airport three days before their scheduled departure. Everyone will be required to undergo an x-ray, CT scan and full cavity search before being rejected from the flight for their teeth being "too solid."
Leeds assured customers with gummy bear dentures, as well as those made of ectoplasm, that they would still be permitted to board their flights.
When confronted about the lack of a ban on plasma, Leeds commented that experts were currently pouring over fourth grade textbooks, researching the validity of plasma's claim to the status of 'matter'.
When asked about the inconvenience of the new regulations, airline customer Amanda Lewis replied, "Well, at least I feel safe."