By Chris Jochem
Trendspotters work hard across the whole campus to bring in reports on the most cutting-edge waves of fashion, and they have recently brought in news of the hottest thing to hit Chapel Hill. Several of the college's most über-chic metrosexuals have been seen sporting new Crotch-Print pants, the latest in designer wear. Now the town's trendiest men can traipse around with all kinds of catchy and insightful quips to gird their nethers.
One young man's crotch read "Just because I'm eye candy don't mean you can have a taste," printed in increasingly small letters. Said the man, "It's really not about fashion, it's about the right to make a choice, to represent--hold on, what the hell are you staring at?!" he demanded, confronting a young girl who was bent over and squinting trying to make out the text. "You think I can't feel you undressing me with your eyes, you pervert? I am not a piece of meat!"
Jerry O'Brian, a UNC junior, has been the driving force behind this sensation. "Well, I think the logic behind it is that it's pretty fun to trick people into doing something that you can yell at them for. I mean, to be fair, it isn't even my idea."
O'Brian came up with the idea on a recent hiatus when he was temporarily suspended for prolongedly staring at the small, sparkly text written across a girl's chest.
Response to this new fashion uprising has also marked a curious uprising in the number of females accused of sexual harassment, bringing with it some negativity towards the new style of pants.
Maria Kennedy, recently threatened with expulsion when a fashionable lad claimed that she "raped me with her eyes," has taken a stance against the troublesome trousers. "It's just so stupid! They make these things intentionally eyecatching, then get you in trouble when you do the natural thing and look! I didn't even talk to the guy who busted me, I was just trying to read what it said, I thought it might be like a funny T-shirt or something. Why can't they just dress normal?" she inquired, gesturing towards her skintight baby-T with 'all this and brains too' written in glitter across her large, braless chest, "I just don't get it."