By Chris Faulkenberry
Steve Irwin, better known
as the "Croc[odile] Hunter," announced
on September 2 that he
would not be renewing his contract
with his long-time manager.
Beelzebub, arch-demon and representative of Perdition Talent Corporation, provided Irwin with his management services from late 1996 until their recent parting. Irwin's contract included supernatural protection against "goring, maiming, mauling, evisceration, laceration, disembowelment, exotic diseases (viral and bacterial), and all animal venoms," and required the fee of one soul. It also guaranteed him international fame and popularity.
Irwin, unsatisfied with recent inactivity on the second condition of the contract, announced its revocation two days prior to his tragic demise.
"We really took this as an insult," Beelzebub commented in an interview. "[Irwin] was a very high-profile mortal, and his departure has dealt a serious blow to our reputation as an agency, so we felt that this action was necessary in order to stay ahead." The Pit Lord was referring to Irwin's untimely death on September 4.
"We needed to send a message, so we took into consideration his career, studying the most dangerous creatures on your planet. We decided to return the collective misfortune he owed us by bringing about his death through a non-threatening and mundane animal, and we decided that the stingray would serve us as the very best possible choice."
Irwin, having retrieved his soul, is currently residing in Heaven, but is reported to be on an expedition to Malebolge, the eighth circle of Hell to study its native demons and harvested souls. No reports have returned from this expedition thus far, but the experts have been quick to speculate that the fiends will be both "beautiful" and "gorgeous."