By Will Jones
Following some 20-years of renovation, Student Stores is now a fully-operational battle station, ready to crush the Rebellion and bring order to the Empire," said a University official.
The idea to turn a oncemodest campus store into a planet-destroying space fortress began simply, with the approval to add escalators and a basement level to the building. Inspired by that success, planners began to add features by the dozen, including giant trash compactors, an enormous laser beam and unnecessarily dark dungeons.
"We wanted to show the student body that they deserve the best," said Chancellor Moeser earlier this week. "How better to do that than with squadrons of shortranged space fighters and powerful tractor beams?" Not everyone is so pleased with the newer, deadlier Student Stores. Several thousand students, unhappy about the increased tuition necessary to fund the project, have formed a rebellious 'Alliance' with the stated goal of returning the university to how it was before the dark times. Before the Empire.
"We never wanted any of this new stuff," said disgruntled senior Henry Esquire. "Just a simple, easy to use store with low prices. Is that too much to ask? And what the fuck is up with the escalators? It isn't so hard to walk up a set of stairs."
Esquire was then apprehended by a battalion of stormtroopers now patrolling Student Stores to maintain peace and stability.
The future of the new Death Stores is uncertain. Rumors state that the Alliance has obtained a robotic trashcan containing encrypted blueprints of the facility that could be analyzed to find a weakness in the massive store's design.
The rebels hope to use the plans to destroy the station in a single improbable strike using a small, virtually untrained army.
A ranking Death Stores officer sneered, "They're welcome to try."
Criminal Intent: JJ Redick's run-ins with the law
By Will Niver
In light of JJ Redick's drunken driving arrest in June, BoUNCe reporters dug through public records to uncover JJ's other, less-publicized, brushes with the law:
--- Brought before Dook Honor Court in 2004 for stealing entries from a narcissistic 14 year old girl's MySpace and passing it off as poetry. If you've ever read JJ's poems, you've noticed they bear a striking resemblance to watereddown Dashboard Confessional lyrics infused with the self-absorbed ranting of a pubescent drama queen. There's a reason for that.
--- Charged in 2005 with animal abuse and indecent exposure at a local petting zoo after pouring animal feed down his pants so the goats would lick his tiny gumdrop balls. The Book of Leviticus doesn't explicitly prohibit tricking goats into licking your balls, but BoUNCe is pretty sure you can still go to hell for it.
--- Charged in 2005 with breaching his Proactiv contract. The acne product's ad team hired JJ for a celebrity endorsement, but not even tough-actin Proactiv could control the fist-sized volcanoes of pus bulging from his back. At the end of the day, Proactiv hired Jessica Simpson, and JJ kept wearing an undershirt to every game.
--- Cried after Carolina's win at Cameron Indoor Stadium on Dook's Senior Night. Crying isn't technically against the law; BoUNCe would simply like to remind everyone that JJ sobbed like a little bitch on March 4, 2006.
--- Charged again with animal abuse at Disneyworld while in Orlando practicing with his new team, the Magic. BoUNCe will spare you the details; just know that it involved Mickey, Minnie, the entire Goof Troop, five of the Seven Dwarves, most of the 101 Dalmatians, copious amounts of alcohol, and enough lube to slide a watermelon halfway across the country.
New AIM icons a hit
By Will Niver
A new set of icons has become available for users of Instant Messenger, catering to the desires of people to document, verbally and pictorally, exactly how their lives are a depressing, monotonous drudgery of work and failed attempts to get laid.
Put this in your
profile if you
killed a man
and buried his charred
remains in the desert.
Put this in your
profile if your
hard drive is
chock full of porn.
Put this in
your profile if
you go both ways, as in
people and animals.
Put this in your
profile if you
were doing something
useful with your life,
then pissed it all away.
Put this in your
profile if you
arrange tools in arrangements
eerily similar to
swastikas.
Put this in your
profile if your
ears are comically huge.