Pluto is not a planet
By Professor Miles Chuckston

Finally, my colleagues have come to the conclusion that I've known for years. Pluto is not a real planet!

How could it be a planet in the first place? It's tiny. It's smaller even than Earth's moon. Our moon obviously isn't big enough to be a planet. How could Pluto be?

Oh, sure, some people say that that's because Pluto revolves around the sun and our moon doesn't. Ok, fine. A lot of stuff revolves around the sun. Asteroids, for example. Comets. Gollygee- whiz, they can't all be planets! No, there's got to be more.

Plus, think about how far away it is. It's barely even in our solar system. I tell you, one cosmic singularity and 'whip!' Pluto's out into the nether regions between the stars. Oh, you don't think that's likely? Well, I'll have you know that cosmic singularities happen a lot. I'm the world's foremost authority on them. And you just can't trust a planet to something as tenuous as that. Therefore, Pluto cannot be a planet.

You mortals will burn!
By Pluto, God of the Underworld

How dare you disgrace my name, mortal?! I am Pluto, Lord of the Dead! Worship me!

You dare defame the planet that bears my namesake? What you see is no mere chunk of ice and rock, cavorting randomly through the void. It is my icy heart, given form to draw fealty from the wretches of your simple realm. Pay your respects, or perish!

The ancient peoples saw my might, and trembled. They knew the breath of torment upon their necks and paid homage. Perhaps I have too long lain in wait, letting the affairs of the waking world pass beneath mine eyes.

You see my brothers in the sky, and do well to heed them. Should I not be held in kind? Prepare for the reckoning, a dark time of earthquakes and lightning, of molten silver burning down the wicked and the just alike! For unless my proper right is given, and my avatar recognized as the equal tof my brothers, your world is forfeit, and your lives!