Commercial airlines in the U.S. decide to follow Vatican Air’s lead

By Kristen Cresante
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The Vatican recently announced the introduction of a new airline carrier that will transport Catholics from Italy to popular religious attractions worldwide.

Following the new airlines’ success, several airlines based in the US have endeavored to apply the principles they perceive as leading to Vatican Air’s success to their own business practices.

Last week, for example, U.S. Airways revamped itself for the holier, focusing mainly on safety issues. “It seemed to be the only logical thing to do at this point,” explained Doug Parker, CEO of what is now known as Holy Spirit Air. “You can only increase security so much before you’re forced to take it in a different direction.”

Alterations to the normal safety precautions included replacing preexisting oxygen masks with Rosary Beads that will drop down in case of emergency. Seat cushions no longer serve as flotation devices but instead are to be used as kneelers in the event of a crisis.

Originally, Holy Spirit Air wanted a staff of only priest pilots, but as it was found that nearly 99.98% of priests cannot fly an airplane, this idea was rejected. Instead, priests will accompany pilots, and masses will be celebrated in first and business classes.

These adjustments have not been well received, however. Becky Johansson, who has been a flight attendant for the past 10 years, said, “After all this time, I have to learn a whole new set of prayerlike hand motions. Also, I don’t see how this makes anything more reverent,” she said pointing to her new uniform, which was made up of a short plaid skirt, a white button down, and black high heels. The male flight attendants had similar complaints after a number of them got their altar boy gowns caught in the drink cart.

Standard food vendors for the airline are also discontented. They have lost a large amount of business now that only the Body and Blood of Christ will be served during flights.

Even the passengers on board are skeptical. “I appreciate them looking out for us,” one traveler stated, “but this is the third time I’ve had to watch Passion of the Christ, and all the magazines have been swapped out for Bibles!” Frequent Fliers have also had to convert all of their points into Holy Roller Holy Cards.

The majority of the objections, however, are in regard to the overwhelming feeling of guilt that passengers experience. As a result, membership to the Mile High Club has hit an all time low.

“Enough is enough!” shouted Samuel L. Jackson on a recent Holy Spirit Air flight, after a stewardess told him, though she was attracted to him, her Catholic guilt would prevent any possibility of fornication in the bathroom, “I have had it with these mother fucking priests on this mother fucking plane!”