Martial-arts secrets revealed

By Paul Preston

Recent archaeological efforts by the Carolina Anthropological Society recently revealed a boon of oriental wonder. A massive collection of silken scrolls bearing the seal of the Long Dong tribe of south-central China have given historians a new insight into the workings of this ancient culture. Readers can now, for the first time, partake in the deadly martial-arts wisdom that made the Long Dongs a dominant force in Asia.

TURBO MEGADRAGON FLIP
With great cry of breath, send out left heel and, with right ankle twisting in the Northeast quadrant of your Bagua octagon, spin in place with vigor. Inform opponent your purchase of 200-yuan oral pleasures from the matron of his family was greatly over-priced. Before he kills himself to avenge family honor, kick him in the balls and run like hell.

REIGN OF CHAOS FLAMING WINDFALL
While your opponent busies with business, enter his unguarded home. Enter the greeting room of house, and move vasetable to direct left of primary entrance, greatly threatening the wood-qi’s effect to dampen the fireqi emanating from house entrance. The disruption of opponent’s feng shui will bring him to his knees!

TENDON SUPER SUPREME DEATHPOKE
Body of man contains many flaw which may lead to defeat, be it you or enemy. One such is the Iron/Water qi-flow channel jugular nerve ganglion just left of the trachea. You can locate your own right now! In three steps; 1. Place left finger behind wind-pipe, find slim, sinewy lump like young seeds from a lotus. 2. Press very hard. 3. If you live to read this, congratulations! You did it wrong. Push harder!

DRAGON-BITE MEGA DRAGON DESTROY OF DRAGON
Establish great nation spanning many li in girth, and populate with a legion-score of peasants and lords. Maintain isolationist policy against external economic interests while developing an overwhelmingly demand-sided economy which provides unlimited manpower to work for unbeatable wages. Then, open suddenly to allow external powers to exploit your cheap labor, depriving internal employment, causing crippling depression and irreparable economic collapse of foreign interests!

PRIVILEGED RULING SOCIAL ELITE CLASSMEN
Accompanied by your honorable wife, youngest baby, small daughter, and small son, enter the talent agency of your opponent. Declare you have an act, one which must be presented for review and possible endorsement. Upon his acceptance, disrobe yourself and your wife and initiate the rites of tantric Long Dong unionhood of marriage. Small boy and small girl disrobe as well, defecating on the stage and using excreta as slip-n-slide. Then, while you encounter wife through rear passage, wife takes the baby and [passageunreadable - something about vomit, chopsticks, reference to the earliest recorded on-stage abortion in Chinese history]. When opponent bids you stop, with great horror in his eyes, and requests the name of your performance, grab small son by the ankles and answer, “ARIST O C R A A A A A A T S ! ” With son as blunt instrument, knock him repeatedly unto the head with great perserverence and spirit even as he still replies, “I don’t get it.”