Chapel Hill evacuation plans finalized

By Will Niver

Officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency, responsible for planning for disasters of all sorts, finalized an evacuation strategy should the free Dave Matthews concert come to Chapel Hill. Plans include opening all lanes of traffic to fleeing vehicles, as well as using buses to quickly carry students out of harm’s way.

“Basically, we’re looking at a worst-case scenario,” said FEMA Secretary Richard David Paulison. “It’s important to plan ahead. Katrina caught us off guard, but we’ll be ready for Dave.”

Further plans include opening Kenan Stadium as a refuge. South Hall estimates there are enough popcorn machines and soda reserves to hold most of south campus at least a weekend. Paulison reflected optimism that the plans could work. “Well, once again, we’re sort of 0 for 1 on football stadiums, but if we go into this one with a better attitude, I think we’ll manage.”

Senior Cody Braun praised FEMA administrators for their foresight and diligence in protecting Chapel Hill’s residents. “If that concert makes landfall anywhere near here, I swear to God,” Braun spat through clenched teeth. “Seriously, I swear to God.”

Sophomore Mike Lawson, though, wonders why anyone would oppose a free Dave Matthews show. “He’s like, the coolest,” Lawson explained as he flipped his curly hair under the brim of his frayed, faded cap displaying an obscure Minor League Baseball team. “I remember in high school listening to Dave all the time with my buddies in the school parking lot. Then we’d sneak off to the woods with a sixpack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of Camels. Those were the days.”

UNC Student Government, meanwhile, is devising a plan to accommodate everyone’s wishes. One committee suggested holding the concert in an empty field, such as the one in northern Orange County once used to train landmine disposal teams. Even Braun backed that plan, beaming, “I believe I might be ok with that.”