Jesus detained by airport security

By Will Niver
intro

As promised before the Crucifixion, Jesus Christ returned to earth last Wednesday morning, arriving by way of Southwest Airlines at Raleigh/ Durham International Airport. His preordained return was eclipsed, however, by his subsequent arrest by Homeland Security.

“Yes, I can confirm that we detained a suspicious Middle Eastern male earlier this morning," said a spokesperson for RDU, James McCourt. “When he arrived without a passport, we interrogated the suspect and determined he was from a radical Middle Eastern cult."

Authorities know very little of the cult Jesus allegedly represents. Rumor holds that the group disregards the rule of law and espouses revolutionary ideals like sharing wealth, human rights, tolerance and open-mindedness. “We believe the suspect to be in league with terrorists," McCourt explained.

The Moral Majority, the evangelical political organization founded by Pat Robertson, was quick to pounce on the arrest, calling for Christ's immediate deportation. “Those Middle Eastern radicals have no place in America," said a spokesperson. “They're taking over our country, and it's time we put an end to this cult's antifamily, gay-rights agenda."

The American Civil Liberties Union decried Jesus' treatment, saying Christ was entitled to a lawyer and an open hearing. Homeland Security flouted the ACLU's complaints and held Christ in a small cell where he was to taken to Guantanamo Bay. When officials returned to the cell to retrieve Jesus, the door was ajar and the cell was empty.

“It's a head-scratcher," admitted officials. “Almost like he's risen or something."