D&D reference ruins mediocre date

by Sarah Wolper

Sources close to senior Luke Finconi reported Monday that an accidental reference to the popular fantasy roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons totally destroyed what was otherwise an otherwise only “moderately awkward” date with sophomore Amanda Russell.

“From what I hear, things were going. . . .um, okay I guess,” commented Finconi’s roommate Derek Li, to whom Finconi related the tragic event later that evening. “Luke was carrying on a fairly normal conversation without too much nerd lingo, and Amanda didn’t seem totally turned off. He even remembered to take off his suit of armor. I think he probably could have gotten a second date out of it.”

Disaster struck when a waiter stumbled near the couple’s table, spilling a pitcher of water on the floor.

“Luke said ‘Aw man, he botched that roll! He should have taken the nimble fingers feat.’ Yes, he actually said that,” Li recounted painfully.

Ms. Russell elaborated on what happened after Finconi committed the fatal faux pas. “I just stared. And then he started going ‘You know, balance checks! You roll the D20 and add your dexterity bonus! It’s useful when you’re battling Gricks and other monsters with tentacles that can knock you off balance... I should just stop talking.”

“At that point I realized: oh lord. He’s one of them,” concluded Russell with a shudder. “We didn’t really say much after that. I finished my meal and he just stared at the bread basket. He mumbled something about a re-roll, but that was the last thing I heard him say all night. I never would have guessed he was into that crazy stuff; he looked half-way normal. I’m more of a Call of Duty girl myself.”

Russell added that she feels she will eventually recover from the traumatic incident and has vowed to “not pick up guys in comic book stores any more.”

Finconi has retreated to his parents’ basement in quiet disgrace and could not be reached for comments, but is expected to make a complete recovery due to his high constitution score.