New Zune stores 40,000 paperclip animations

By Matthew Wait
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Responding to increasing pressure from Apple Computer Co.’s recent unveiling of an all-new lineup of iPods, including the new iPod touch, Microsoft announced yesterday that it would be launching a new version of its own mp3 player. What makes the new Zune most impressive is the fact that it would have the capacity to store up to 40,000 different animations of its popular Microsoft Word paperclip character.

“Everybody loves that guy, and now, people will be able to get as much of him as they want,” said Microsoft spokesman Dan Bascoe. Reporters at a press conference were able to test the new product on their own, and even though at least 5 members of the press were hospitalized for spiking blood pressure, Microsoft declared the unveiling a “complete success.”

“Customers were disappointed that in previous Microsoft applications they were only able to view a limited variety of Paper Clip’s amusing expressions when they were frustrated with our program and needed help. Now, with the new Zune, people will be able to explore the more complete Paper Clip and the full spectrum of his multi-faceted personality.”

New animations feature the paper clip going swimming, playing a game of checkers, driving a little paper clip car, and bouncing all over the fucking screen while rattling off common keyboard shortcuts, among others. To appeal to more students, Paper Clip can also get drunk for students doing homework on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and taunt them as they work. High school senior Jamie Jaimson commented, “Paper Clip is fucking awesome! He takes shots like a champ, and he’s definitely going to be my new beer pong partner.” Paper Clip is also capable of giving relationship advice and has arranged multiple online meetings between single users.

The new Zune will also be able to play a limited amount of music and videos, Microsoft noted.