Newsbriefs
New cheap burrito place a cause for rejoicing

Sarah Wolper

With the opening of Chipotle, UNC students finally have a place to go and satisfy their cravings for tasty, reasonably-priced burritos.

“Chipotle is pretty much a godsend,” said junior Allison Lunker. “I mean, there’s been so many times when I’ve just sat and thought to myself, ‘Gee, if only there was somewhere I could go whenever I got the urge for a delicious burrito but didn’t want to have to pay an arm and a leg for it.’”

“Chipotle has finally answered that prayer,” Lunker proudly concluded.

Aside from the flavor and cost of the burritos, students are also praising Chipotle for its convenient location.

“Used to be you had to drive around Chapel Hill for hours if you wanted to find somewhere that sold good burritos,” remarked senior Jessica Mancini. “My friends and I would always say to each other, ‘You know, what Chapel Hill could really use is a cheap burrito joint close to campus.’ Way to take the initiative, Chipotle!”

In addition to the new Chipotle, a Japanese takeout restaurant is also rumored to be opening in the near future, at long last fulfilling students’ cravings for teriyaki chicken.

Law school students defend school from themselves

Sam Morgan

Always prepared, the UNC Law School has come up with a way of keeping its law students busy while their building is being remodeled.

They are defending the school from themselves while they sue the school for disturbing their education.

“Basically this is great, real world practice for us,” said current second year law student John Derrick, prosecutor and defendant.

“Instead of fearing that the ceiling may fall on our heads, we get to sit in a courtroom, arguing against ourselves, much like normal class time.”

While many are worried that conflicts of interest will sway the prosecutors’ and defenders’ positions, there is legal precedent.

“In my third year of law school, I sued myself for having such a rocking Halloween party,” said professor Brenda McLain. “I had to argue for noise ordinance, but countered with freedom of self expression in one’s own home.”

Vegetarian misses irony in love of ‘Duck Hunt’

Sarah Hodges

For the most part, local vegetarian and animal-lover Hannah Overby is a typical hippie. She buys hormonefree food and volunteers at the animal shelter. But, she also “effing loves” Duck Hunt.

“I found my brother’s old NES when I was cleaning out the basement this summer,” said roommate Kristen Walker. “I thought that Bubble Bobble, Paperboy, and some good old ‘80s Jeopardy would be a hit in our dorm. I never meant to encourage violence.”

Overby’s initial reaction to the arrival of the system was the first sign that something might be amiss.

“I was so excited to see Duck Hunt. I used to play it at my cousin’s house when I was, like, six,” Overby said. Her roommate’s description of the event was different, though.

Damn Dog “She took the Zapper Gun and was stalking people down our hallway like Jack Bauer,” said Walker.

“Her excitement in the pain of pixilated animals really had me concerned,” mentioned fellow shelter volunteer Rachel Hanes, “I’ve gone over to pick her up before and walked in on her yelling obscenities at the sniggering dog when she missed the duck. She even tried to shoot it!”

When friends tried to hold an intervention, Overby said that her addiction was no worse than them playing Grand Theft Auto and Ninja Gaiden all the time. Friends were unimpressed with her attempts to change the subject.

Students show up to multicultural fair solely for the food

Sarah Wolper

The 9th annual Multicultural Awareness Fair, held last week in the Student Union, was deemed a great success by all in attendance, despite the fact that next to no multicultural awareness actually resulted from the event. Much delicious food, however, was consumed.

“Mmph. Oh god, these are soooo good,” said sophomore Janice Corrigan, as she devoured a samosa at the Indian Student Association table. “I don’t know what’s in these or how you people make them, but wow.”

Corrigan did not take a pamphlet on the upcoming Indian cultural festivals on campus, although she did take a fourth samosa and a plate of saffron rice.

Other campus cultural groups in attendance reported similar success stories, saying that the general interest was overwhelming.

“Well, nobody seemed very excited about hearing about the customs of Tet, the Vietnamese new year,” commented Hmong Tran Ngo, president of the Vietnamese Cultural Club. “But we ran out of banh bao dumplings almost immediately. Clearly, there is a strong interest in the rich cultural heritage of Vietnam.”

When interviewed, the attendees’ responses only served to reiterate the fact that cultural interest is alive and well at UNC.

“I mean, of course I’ve had Kung Pao chicken,” said junior Matt Wesley, “but I never knew that China had so many other awesome foods, like these green onion pancakes and soup dumplings. China rocks!”

“Aaarrghmmphergh,” added Wesley unintelligibly, cramming half a rice wrap in his mouth.