Sex – The Good, the Bad, and the Demonic
Sex – The Good, the Bad, and the Demonic
Some Christians will tell you they believe a committed marriage is the proper place for any activity that creates a new human life. That is a perfectly reasonable position. After all, Jesus said to "Love others as yourself," to treat everyone as you would want to be treated. Who would want to be born into a home with no family commitment? However, other Christian teachers claim that sexual intercourse or even sexual passion before marriage is a "sin," a transgression before God. The problem is the Word of God has never said that. We, modern Christians, often have good intentions when we teach such things. However, the legalistic Pharisees that Jesus the Anointed One battled on earth also had good intentions. In reality, when we pretend that our rules about sex are God's rules, we are doing what too many leaders of God's people have done for thousands of years. We are prohibiting what God has allowed, and we are unintentionally destroying God's people with anti-Christian burdens.
The Bible clearly says to avoid "sexual immorality." Some English Bibles translate this as "fornication," but the original Greek word simply means "sexual sin." And in all the Scriptures, with all the sexual "sins" that are clearly listed, there are no passages that say anything close to "you shall not have sex before marriage." It is never punished or prohibited, not even one time. Many Christians, upon hearing this, will immediately say, "Really? Well, I'm sure that's because it just wasn't happening back then. Those cultures were too conservative." Any Jewish historian would laugh at that explanation. Even a quick study of ancient Hebrew history will reveal it was going on, and the Hebrews understood it was not necessarily a transgression against God. Over time, they created more and more cultural rules in attempts to prevent what God had allowed in Scripture. Click here to see for yourself. These authorities prohibited a man from even being alone with a single woman. Often they prohibited touching or even sitting near one. This was their way, culturally, of trying to combat what was most definitely going on in their society. However, as "culturally conservative" as they were, even they never dared to call sex before marriage, in and of itself, a "transgression" since Scripture clearly does not. If only some modern Christians today had the same fear of God.
See that adultery (Exodus 20:14, Proverbs 6:32, Luke 18:19), bestiality (Exodus 22:19, Leviticus 18:23), incest (Leviticus 18:6, 20:11,12), rape (Deut. 22:25,26), prostitution (1 Cor. 6:15), sex during menstruation (Leviticus 18:18), sex with a man as if the man is a woman (Leviticus 18:22), and other sexual acts are very clearly prohibited and punished. Notice anything missing? (If you're interested in more specific passages you can skip below to the sections I've written on "The New Testament" and "The Old Testament.")
Like the ancient Jews, none of the early Church Fathers that I've read clearly condemned premarital sex as transgression either. Of course anything can be used sinfully, and promiscuity seems to be condemned in Scripture the same way alcohol abuse is (Romans 13:13 NASB). Virginity has certainly always been honored as holy in the Way; it is certainly worthy to be preserved until marriage and sometimes even beyond (as in the case of the ever-virgin Mary, the Mother of Jesus Christ). However, the loss of virginity and sex before marriage are never prohibited nor called a sin by the Word of God. That is not the way God has chosen to approach this issue. Nonetheless, many Christians and demons alike teach their own rules to prohibit what God allows. This has been a problem among God's people for thousands of years. The Pharisees' rules intended good. For instance, requiring men and women to never be alone outside of marriage would certainly seem to reduce unwanted pregancy. However, it would reduce a lot more than that! It would force couples to marry without getting to know one another very well. Only a fool has to be told what kind of problems that can cause in a marriage. Rules like this can easily hinder, prevent, and even destroy marriage. The addition of man-made prohibitions to God's Word can cause enormous harm to God's people. It has long been one of the primary tools of the destroyer, and the Spirit has said it will continue to be. See 1 Timothy 4, and note that the word "forbid" there also means "hinder" in the original Greek. Click here to see for yourself The Spirit's prophecy is not that marriage would start to simply be forbiden in the Church. He warned us that demons would fool us into even hindering marriage by deceiving some us into teaching burdensom, prohibitive rules.
The description of sex and marriage that Scripture gives us in the Song of Solomon is in the section of the Bible commonly referred to as "the wisdom books". And if we read it for wisdom, we may learn how marriages form, marriages that end up being pictures of Christ's love for the Church in every way (not just sacrificially and humbly, but also personally, emotionally, and even sexually). After all, see see Ephesians 5:30-32
The Song of Solomon starts with the couple's kiss and the excitement of their new love. Later in the same chapter they discuss "their" bed, and how "new" it is. See 1:16 ("our bed is verdant" or "green"). A man and a woman sharing a bed is generally used to indicate sex in Scripture, and "verdant" actually means "lacking experience, green, novice." However, notice they don't have a marriage ceremony until later, at the end of chapter 3. Their relationship progresses even more from that point to the end. The timing of their intimacy as they moved along in their courtship is celebrated in Christian Scripture. However, this couple would be chastised in many Christian churches today for their "sinful" courtship.
Of course we should teach young people wisdom regarding sex, how to avoid unwanted pregnancy, and the value of self-control. However, if we lie to young people and tell them that God has said sexual intercourse is sin, that "sexual lust" is the lust for sin, then we can destroy the very marriages God actually desires to see formed. No one in their right mind would marry someone they haven't gotten to know. There has to be a period of time where the couple sees if they truly enjoy each other. Dating should involve a lot of communication. For many people, those who desire sexual passion in marriage, this "getting to know" process of dating and courtship should include sexual passion. That is the pattern God has displayed in His Song about marriage, and this is the pattern common sense tells us many couples should take. There are people that do not enjoy sexual passion together and others that do. If couples think God is forcing them to abstain, then the results can be disasterous. God has never said to avoid sexual passion before marriage. His wise song expresses the common sense approach. He is not a stupid God, and He does not want us to raise stupid children. Unfortunately, many of us in the church think we're smarter and holier than God.
The Spirit of God warns us in Scripture that false doctrines about marriage would infect the church, hindering or forbidding marriage, in 1st Timothy 4. The false doctrine that "pre-wedding sex" (or intimacy) is a sin can do just that. Couples, driven by the sexual desires God gave them, are pressured into getting married quickly in order to express those desires only in matrimony. Many couples who marry according to these deceptive Christian traditions often don't know one another very well personally or emotionally, and don't know one another at all sexually, when they get married. This can lead to a severely mismatched marriage on any or all of those levels (personal, emotional, sexual). The example in Song of Solomon, where the couple is enjoying and learning about one another in every way for quite some time before getting married, was given to us in Scripture for a very important reason.
Since the Christians who teach us that sex before marriage is a sin have no clear passage in holy Scripture to rely on, they end up twisting their doctrine out of a few passages that can easily be misconstrued. I'll now discuss the specific passages in the Old and New Testaments that various teachers have twisted in their attempt to condemn all sex outside of marriage.
The New Testament
Many today twist 1 Corinthians 7 to create their rule about premarital sex. In fact, 1 Cor. 7 is the main passage the "no sex allowed" crowd uses to teach their doctrines. However, notice that in regards to the first part of the passage Paul warns us, "I'm saying this as concession, not as a command." (v. 6) Only later does he start giving commands. (v. 10, "Now to the married I give this command..."). The holy Apostle is giving advice and honoring the value of marriage. He is not being a hard-nosed law-giver in this passage for extremely important reasons, he is not presenting God's commands to single people, and he is most definitely not calling premarital sex a sin.
The beginning of the chapter says, "...since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband..." (v. 1,2) At first glance, this passage could be used to imply that premarital sex is a sin. However, you have to understand what Paul meant by "sexual immorality." If you look just a few sentences earlier Paul tells us exactly what he meant. He says, "the body is not meant for sexual immorality... shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!..." (1 Cor. 6:13-15). With that in mind, basically the passage in question means, "since prostitution is occurring, married couples should have sex." You could replace "prostitution" with "adultery" too, and any of the other sexual acts that Scripture has called immoral. Premarital sex is not one of those. Paul is not talking about premarital sex. He is telling married people to freely give their bodies to one another in order to control temptations during marriage.
Later in the same chapter (1 Cor. 7) is another verse that gets twisted by the "no sex allowed" crowd. Paul says, "Now to the unmarried... It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (v. 8,9) Again, at first glance this can be used to imply premarital sex is a sin. However, again, the first thing to notice is Paul plainly says he is giving advice for wise sexual behavior and not strict commandments. He starts the commandments at verse 10. This passage advises people who are trying to be celibate yet who continually find themselves losing control of their bodies to get married. The Apostle Paul doesn't condemn them for losing control. Not at all! He gives advice; wisdom. He advises that they recognize their need and try to channel their gift into marriage where they will find an abundance of protection and blessing. This non-legalistic, free yet wise approach is God’s approach to sex before marriage throughout all the Scriptures, through the Law and the Prophets, the Christ’s ministry, the Apostles, and the early holy Fathers. It is critical that we mimic it along with Paul in our teachings.
There are more passages in the New Testament that teachers twist to try to condemn premarital sex. For instance, take the multiple verses that instruct Christians to avoid "sexual immorality." The New Testament was written in Greek, and the word that refers to "sexual immorality" in those passages is the Greek word "porneia." Click here to see the definition of porneia as "illicit sexual intercourse" and all the passages where it is used. Some English translations translate "porneia" as "fornication," a word that often means, "sex before marriage." However, the most accurate translations translate "porneia" into "sexual immorality," a more general phrase. This difference is due to the fact that some translators follow their cultural traditions instead of God's Word. For instance, see Isaiah 64:6. In many English Bibles, the Hebrew words there are translated "filthy rags." That is an intentional mis-translation. The Hebrew word actually means, "menstrual rags." The translators behind the Bibles that say "filthy rags" respected their cultures' rules of etiquette more than God's Word. They mistranslated Scripture intentionally because they thought God's word was too gross or impolite. Similarly, the Greek word "porneia" is a general word referring to "sexual immorality" generally and not "fornication" specifically. This fact causes us to have to search the Scriptures if we want to know what sex, exactly, is "immoral" and what sex is not. And, again, while the Scriptures repeatedly call all sorts of sexual activities sin, the Scriptures never once call premarital sex a sin.
The other main New Testament verse many of our pastors use to teach the sin of premarital sex is Hebrews 13:4, "keep the marriage bed pure." Many in the churches tell us that it is "impure" to have premarital sex. They say that such sex "defiles the marriage bed." However, the only reference to someone ever "defiling the marriage bed" in Scripture is adultery (1 Chr 5:1, Gen 35:22), not premarital sex. Never once is "the bed defiled" referring to premarital sex. The belief that pre-wedding sex "defiles" marriage only comes to us only from cultural traditions, not from Scripture and not from God. In fact, when Christ Himself encountered the Samaritan woman at the well, a woman who was living with a man she was not married to, he did not tell her to stop sinning. That is because her lifestyle was not sinful. He encountered adulterers in Scripture on other occasions and told them to stop sinning. In this case, Christ simply blessed her by revealing his power to her the same way he called the Apostle Nathaniel with, “I saw you under the fig tree.” Like Nathaniel, the Samaritan woman went on to start churches and become a revered Saint in the church; she is even called “equal to the Apostles” in the tradition of the early church.
To tell someone that has had pre-wedding sex that they "defiled their marriage bed" is not only non-biblical, consider also how cruel it can be. Some single people have sex with little or no regret. However, other's have nearly insurmountable regret and guilt because they may have violated their conscience or they may have had high hopes to be a virgin in marriage. For someone to then come along and tell them they "defiled their marriage" and sinned against God is not only false, but it is also a disgustingly cruel accusation considering their situation.
The Old Testament
Premarital sex is regulated but never punished or called sinful in the Old Testament. Take Exodus ch. 22 for instance. For sex with a virgin, a payment of the regular "bride price" was required to be paid to her dad. Back then her dad was said to "own" her virginity. This payment system is all throughout the Old Law, and it was common for things that were not sinful. For instance, the Old Testament orders the payment of the price of an animal to your neighbor if you borrowed his animal and the animal died (for whatever reason) in your care. That was not a "sin", but it was just restitution. In this case of premarital sex, this payment was the same exact payment as was made for a marriage. If the payment is taken to mean the sex was "wrong" then marriage is also a sin because it involved payment. Neither premarital sex nor marriage are even implied to be sinful in this passage. Plus, most importantly, if she wasn't a virgin before the sex then there was no payment and nothing was done to punish either of them. It is assumed that premarital sex was happening and is never punished or prohibited in Scripture.
Some Scripture twisters try to use Deuteronomy 22:20-21 to say God condemned premarital sex. In that passage, if a girl is discovered to not be a virgin on her wedding night "they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her father's house and there her townsman shall stone her to death." However, the punishment is for misleading her husband about the state of her virginity until after her wedding, not for premarital sex. She is only punished if he discovers that she isn't a virgin on her wedding night. Marriages involving non-virgins who were honest about their loss well before the wedding could happen.
Conclusion
It should be more than obvious, if you've read this far, that God has never said sex before marriage is wrong or a sin. Those Christians who put these hard and fast rules about sex onto the shoulders of God's children are doing what the tradition-bound evangelical Pharisees did. They drew bold lines in the sand for people where God had drawn none; they made up their own rules for others.
The way the Word of God has always treated this topic is by encouraging marriage and virginity as a blessing, by encouraging wise sexual behavior, and never by prohibiting sex before marriage as a sin. Christ brought freedom from the law for the salvation of the world. Yet the modern evangelical Pharisees that teach people sexual passion is sinful before marriage have created a new law that goes even further than the old one! And you can be sure that if you go against these modern Christian traditionalists on this issue, then you are going to catch a lot of hate for it. Jesus Christ, our example, warned us that the world would hate us because it hated Him first (see John 15). Who in the world hated Jesus the most? Who hated him enough to create a false trial and have him killed? It was the Bible teachers, the church leaders in His day. It was the very leaders of the people of God, those who claimed to respect Scripture the most! The actual "world" that hated Christ the most was the fundamentalist, tradition-led, conservative Bible teachers of His day. Let's not follow them as copiers, let's follow Christ as Christians instead.
I'm particularly passionate about this issue because Pharisaical thinking helped destroy my own marriage. If you'd like to read about how, you can click here.
If you'd like to read my thoughts regarding homosexuality and Christianity, you can read them by clicking here.
May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace as we trust in him,
Jason
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