Don Greenwood
My Sister In-Law
I have only one sibling, my younger brother, and he has had only one
wife. The wife, Joanie, not her real name, gets more difficult with age.
I am glad my brother and Joanie live thousands of miles away, and yet I miss
a relationship with my only sibling.
What can I do about it, anyway, she's such a bitch, in fact, I call a
"super-bitch." I have also nicknamed her, "the wicked witch of the West,"
since she's from Southern California. Or, sometimes I call her, "the
wicked Bitch from the West."
Why do I hate and resent her so much? Why do the hurts from our past
relationship crowd my mind on certain days? Why do I let this mere human
have such a hold on me? Why do I allow our broken relationship to exclude
any authentic relationship with my brother, niece, and nephew?
Someday soon my wife and I will be moving to the Pacific Northwest, to
spend our retirement years near our sons and their families. We will be
noticeably closer to my brother and "Joanie." I doubt if this will make
any difference, though. I'm afraid of her, and even afraid of my own brother.
The "last straw," came a few years ago, when my 86 year old father
almost died, and had to have emergency brain surgery. I grabbed a 6 am
flight from the Airport of the Midwestern City where we live, and arrived
at the California hospital, just as Dad was coming out of surgery.
Fortunately he came through fine, and has been very active since. During this time I was going through a very rough time in my job and my health was not good. I didn't realize it, while in California, but I had pneumonia. The added stress of the trip, and of staying with my brother
and his wife, was almost too much. The second night I was there, my brother had= one to bed, leaving Joanie and I alone in the den. As is common, Joanie had had a lot of wine, and her mood was turning dark. She began a torrent of brutal criticism, citing my lack of concern for my recently departed
Mother, and for my Father. She continued by rambling off a string of mistakes she thought I had made years ago; of my character defects and shortcomings. I was astonished and taken aback. Here I was extremely tired and sick, without much sleep the last two nights, and under attack. I should have realized that this is the way Joanie works, attacking people
when they are down.
Suddenly I rose from the couch and said, "That's it! I wouldn't take any more. I've had it from you. I've taken more than enough shit from you all these years, and I'm not taking any more. I try to overlook your constant criticism, and be nice to you, and it doesn't do any good. I've
had it with you!" With that I turned around and rushed into the bedroom in
which I was staying. I heard her gasp an "Oh no!," as I left the den.
The next day I had lunch with my brother, and offered to stay in my vacant Father's house, until he was out of danger. "Oh no," he replied, "Joanie would be embarrassed by that." There they go again, I thought, keeping up appearances, doing only what looks good on the outside, while they're rotten on the inside. (The next two nights I was at their house, I heard Joanie up and moving through the house during much of the night. She was upset, and a part of me was enjoying it.)
"You are my blood relation," I told my brother. "Joanie," is not my sister, but my sister-in-law." "I don't try to interfere with Ann, my wife's, relationship with her family, that is her business." "Joanie is crossing boundaries, when she tries to act as if she is a blood relative."
"What are boundaries?" my brother asked. I told him, but don't think he
understood.
That was three years ago, and an already bad relationship has
grown even more distant and strained. Meanwhile, my relationship with my
father, who lives a few miles from my brother, remains good, better than ever.
But what bugs me the most, is why on certain days, the hurt and resentment I have towards my brother's wife, and my brother, seem like an obsession. This obsession even drains away emotional and physical energy from my person, and that's not good. I want it to go away. I want to be
free of it. I want to be able to let go of it.
There's an old song that many people probably don't recall. It's first line goes, "I want a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old Dad." Well, it comes to me that, in many respects, this is what happened to my only brother. He married a woman with a super-critical personality
like our Mom.
On this same trip to California, for my Dad's surgery, Joanie was recalling his early relationship with her mother-in-law. At that time, my brother came home from lunch with my Mom, and told Joanie he was asked, "How does it feel to live under constant criticism?" Joanie didn't think our
Mom was accurate in her description of her daughter-in-law. I thought, boy,
was she. And my brother had become more and more like his wife all these
years. "If you can't beat them, join them."
As the months passed after my return to the Midwest, I realized
the reason Joanie bugs me so much is because she reminds me of my Mother, and the hurt and emotional pain Mom brought to my life. This is an important insight, and one which I must deal with. My mother is gone, and I must now let her rest in peace. I need to forgive her, and let go of her hold on
my life. The more I let go of Mom's hold on me, I now believe, the more I will let go of Joanie's hold on me. The freer and healthier I will be to enjoy the Fall and Winter of life.
Besides, I need to admit that I have some traits I've inherited from Mom. I can be just as cutting and critical as anyone, if I so chose. I have hurt Joanie and my brother, as they have hurt me. May the three of us know reconciliation and peace before we leave this planet. May I do my part and
not wait for them. I need help for that, don't I?
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