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Chris Neggers
Spork Paper
The spork is the bane of all things that are considered eating utensils.
This is a mutant, a chimera, it serves no other purpose than to harass
and bother the contentious consumer. The spork is an idea which, in
theory, could work and be efficient. The mating of both a fork and a
spoon is a wonderful idea. In fact prehistoric man was the first person
to mate these two tools together. It would seem to be a quick solution to
the silverware problems of the world. If we cut 1/3 of the utensils out,
then we would increase the total number by at least 1/3. However much in
depth study, and field use has shown that the spork is, in fact, the most
un-usable poorly designed piece of trash plastic every made! It has
fallen into a category of mutated, defective un-usable eating
apparatuses. The spork is neither a fork nor a spoon, but is in fact an
infernal device meant to dirty our suits, and stain out ties. The world
doesn't need the spork and we should eliminate it!
Since the spork is supposed to be both a fork and knife its creators
have changed its form into something that cannot be called either. The
tines of the fork portion of it plunge too deep into the basin portion of
the spoon. This serves to decrease, if not eliminate, the amount of
liquid that would otherwise be held in it. So rather than enjoying a
steamy bowl of chicken noodle soup one would instead be eating nothing
but scaldingly hot noodles and chicken bits. Then after all of the solids
are eaten one is left with a bowl of now tepid broth that would surely
enrage even the calmest of people. Also if a person would attempt to use
the spork as a fork they would surely be lead to heart brake. The radius
of the spoon is such that it confines, and even covers the tines of the
fork. Also since it is a hybrid the fork tines are considerably shorter
than any other fork. So if a perfectly calm, law abiding, god fearing
person would attempt to consume a considerable quantity of, let's say,
carrots they would soon realize that the tines are too short to function
properly. It is quite possible to skewer and lift a piece of food with
the tine portion, however they aren't penetrating enough to have any
holding power. This would ultimately lead to the plunge of whatever sort
of food there might be perched upon it onto the clothing of the user,
enraging them and a blood bath would ensue, of course.
This could all be easily avoided if the people of this world would
destroy the spork in any form it may take. This might raise quite a row
from the silverware tycoons, but if the governments would approach them
with opportunity to head the spork death squads their income wouldn't
suffer. It is also possible that the eradication of sporks could be much
more lucrative than their production since not only would they destroy
the utensils themselves but they would be able to keep and recycle the
plastic for their own use. And since governments would eagerly issue them
>subsidies and grants to prevent the needless murders of innocent people
their income would also be steadier. So for this plan to work all we
would need would be to change spork production to eradication. Then to
deal with the hard line spork fanatics the companies would set up utensil
appreciation camps. Their remote location, and total lack of sporks, or
any other utensils, would allow the staff to show those people the
benefits of other, better suited instruments. This would have to be the
first step toward the final spork solution. We must win the minds of the
people. Then they too will give their support to the destruction of
sporks. It is time that the people unite around this proposal and release
ourselves from the aggravation of the mutant utensil!
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