The MTS Crusade
The epic sword known far and wide as The
Gnome Slayer, the Miles Travis Suite's only means of protection
from the viscious garden gnomes that terrorize South Campus,
had fallen into the wrong hands during what was believed to be
a friendly visit. So, on that dark and rainy night, four brave
and shameless individuals prepared for battle, there one goal being
to return The Gnome Slayer to it's home, hanging upon the thumbtacks
on the bulletin board of Sir Shaddix of Wales. Dressed in
traditional crusading garb they waited for just the right moment to
stage their attack upon the residents of Hinton James. After
causing mass pandemonium, and leaving a trail of blood these crusaders
returned to the Haus of E victorious in reclaiming The Gnome Slayer
in the name of all that is good. The people of the M.T.S. rejoiced
and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that they could now sleep in
peace knowing that they were protected against the garden gnomes that
had been haunting them.
Random Noises
Rules of the MTS
Click here for diagnosis
You dance like a woman!
Possum's qualifications
Who lives in the MTS
What happened to you?
What's your name?
Grab a bat and take a few swings
What did you say?
What happens to those who break the rules of the MTS?
Did you see that yard gnome?
So you need a birthday gift for Hanson?
I don't know how these rumors get started
Will and Brian exchange political insults
Are you going to San Francisco?
MTS 2001-02 Year
In Review
A great, big thank you to the FeMTS, "the girls next door,"
"the old men," Students For Brad Overcash, Living Well, Intervarsity
Christian Fellowship, Skit team, the Mormons, the Darkside All-Stars,
the P-Tappers, the PT-Tappers, the Home Slices (the old "girls
next door"), The Hoss's, Big Snod, M.T.S. Alumni, the M.T.S. "No Girls
Allowed (except for that one time Lori crashed)" Bible Study, the
Ehaus Girls Bible Study, the Ehaus Co-Ed Bible Study, the Carmichael
Co-Ed Bible Study, The University Printery, Hanes, the sheep in the basement
that provide cotton, Jennifer Lewitas and her ever informative emails,
Justin's TAs, Kenneth Strong and his tirade, Sammy Sosa, Alec Baldwin,
all the M.O.W.s, Cliff's glow-in-the-dark lab rat, the hecklers at the
Boshamer Stadium, Montana State University, the United States ARMY, Mary
at State, duct tape, Bullocks BBQ, Friends of Fort Zachary Taylor, Swash
Buckle, Veggie Tales, Teddy the Sea Turtle and Ambrosia Potato Hippopotami
III, Matt Doherty, your mama!, an eggplant, the gnome slayer, Moss Man,
the cast and crew of
Pirates Deal with Situations,
the cast and crew of
The Great American Book,
Fletcher Merton, Cort, Penelope, Buster,
Brawney and Bounty paper towels, Gary the pit preacher, Gumby's
pizza, the Frank Sinatra poster, Foxcroft Apartments, Student
Patrol, Playmakers Repertory Company, Sammy Sofa, Ol' Yeller, John
Rocker, Random Joe, Rod at the Mini-Mart, Jennifer Koo, Chapel
Hill Bible Church, DRAM 15, PEUW, NASCAR Fantasy Challenge, Julius
Peppers, Dance Dance Revolution,
George Allen, The Soggy Bottom Boys, Little E, the Lacucaracha
Mobile, Chase, The Rat, Aarons Used Furniture, Wal-Mart, Lauren,
Lisa, Evie, the Cash robe, Sara Stanley, Jr., the Alabama Welcome
Center, Fort Payne (the world's sock capital), the ladies from the
Cracker Barrel in Cullman, Balderdash, the cheap squirt guns we
found in the Ehaus game room, the University locksmith, everyone on
the "loser wall," Sandbox Fantasy Baseball, the Instant Messenger "warn"
button, Brak, SGC2C, Elvis, Samuel Beckett, Peter Pan Peanut Butter,
Krispy Kreme, Oedipus Rox!, Drinking Problems (10-1, 23-0), the photography
of Emily White, Ehaus Championship Volleyball (playing by Ehaus rules),
and Jesus Christ for making the M.T.S. what it is today.
L to R: Miles Travis,
Marc Jones, Chris Hostetler, Brian Sellers, Justin
Shaddix
The Miles Travis Suite
The M.T.S. is located
on the campus of the University of North Carolina in Chapel
Hill on the second floor of Ehringhaus Residence Hall. Established
in 1999 and named for then senior, Miles Travis, the suite has
become a home and hangout for many students. This tradition
goes back even before Miles was there to what we now refer to as
the Biltozoic Era. Current residents are charter members Will Hart
and Brian Sellers (4 years) in room 241, Justin Shaddix (2 years) in room
244, Joseph Hoyle (1st year) in room 242, and freshman, Alex Johnson,
in room 243. M.T.S. Alumni include, but are not limited to Scott
Bilton, Brad Mallard, Chris Nagy, Lamont Council, Greg Snodgrass, Ray
Wilford, Marc Jones, Chris Hostetler, Baker Pratt, Travis Hipps, Gian
Toro, and Jamaal Edwards. M.T.S. sponsored activities include the
Monday at 7pm balcony yell, MTS flag football (formerly PTappers football),
MTS softball, "No Girls Allowed" Bible Study, MTS movie night, and Improv
Comedy Live from room 241. As far as we know, we hold the record
for most people crammed into a room for an entire basketball game when
27 people enjoyed our last victory over Duke in room 241. Our main
activity each year is the sale of M.T.S. t-shirts. Honorary members
of the suite show their support each year by purchasing our simple shirts.
"Keeping It Simple," "Keeping It Together," and "Keep Off the Grass"
t-shirt sales over the past three years have topped 130. If you
are interested in learning more about our suite's history
click here
to read my project proposal for Comm14
about the M.T.S. documentary that I hope to film someday.
Think you might be interested in living in the Miles Travis
Suite? Want to find out what kind of commitment
it requires? Check out the 2001-'02 room 241
roommate contract.
Greg with Keeping It Together shirt and Possum with
Keeping It Simple shirt in the traditional MTS photo pose...staring
obliviously into the sky.
MTS Mission Statement
(In honor of Miles
Travis and all others who have contributed to this
suite's success)
The MTS is a way of life and a state of mind. It is thinking outside
the box--for only
mimes should be trapped within invisible boxes.
It is
being as random
as possible, with the belief that conformity to order
and
logical processes
is a creative dead-end. Sense prevents most people
from punting mice
into women's bathroom stalls. We are not thus
handicapped. We
are not afraid of being militant, if it means fighting
for
what we stand for,
or simply that we have nothing better to do. Our
main weapons are
plastic water guns and witty rhetoric. The beauty
of
language is that
we can trample all over it. Suddenly, "Welcome
to our
box-social" becomes
"Hippos irks turbo-bot bimbo with ire." We can
end any conversation
with "Wrecked him? Dang near killed him!" and
not bat an eyelash.
We are blue collar.
We are light-blue
blooded.
We are blue in
the face from holding our breath in anticipation of
someone understanding
us.
We shall forever
be the MTS, wherever we go and whomever we
encounter. The
spirit of the MTS is, deep down, the spirit of us all.
No
boundaries. No
limits. No mention of Alec Baldwin. And no regard
for the negative
forces of ignorance and communism. We are driven
by
a commitment to
excellence and by a higher calling in life in the name
of
intelligence and
comedy.
Left: Greg, Will,
Brian, and Miles standing on the pier at sunset in Key
West during Spring Break 2000.
Right: Brian, Chris,
Will, Marc, and Greg at right before Will's departure
for Boot Camp
It is remarkable, this ellipse of
life we dance around. Four years into University life, and residents
of this legendary suite have begun working harder than ever and even
have eight o’clock classes. Four years into it and we make less
sense now than we did at the beginning.
Immigration is at an all-time low
in the MTS. Health care has never been cheaper. Crime has
declined as security measures, such as locking doors, have increased.
Fewer residents are on the verge of marriage than ever before. Concrete
blocks are being made sturdier, VCRs more modern. Working showers
have been repaired and heat is no longer an issue. We have never been
living weller. (Applause)
My fellow Tar Heels, the state of
the MTS is gaseous. I say this because the MTS will never perish,
and will never fade. As we enter the fourth and perhaps final year
of a phenomenon so devoid of rhyme or reason, it is clear that the spirit
of the MTS shall prevail for many years to come. (Applause)
As it is an organization arising
inexplicably from asbestos, with no purpose but the existential mandate
“to be,” it is fitting that we end our campaign by giving credit to destiny,
be it Manifest Destiny or Destiny’s Child. And so, we shall proudly
exit this place wearing our newest shirts,
“MTS: A Self-fulfilling
Prophecy.” (Applause)
We commit $2 billion to confusion,
$3 billion to seclusion, and $5 billion to cold fusion. (Applause)
We confirm that Duke, State, FSU,
Clemson and UVA form the pentagon of evil. (Applause)
We want dynamite. (Applause)
God bless us, one and two.
(Applause)
Fourth Treatise on Ehringhaus
Such are the conditions and prophecies relevant
to the 241st room in the Miles Travis Suite of Ehringhaus
in the 4th year of its inhabitance by William Hart and Brian
Sellers...
That odorous spirits shall descend upon
said room, whereupon they shall visit merrily with its inhabitants,
asking such questions as "Hast thou any talking hens?"
To which they must be answered, "Graham Crackers make terrible
boats," as was foretold by Jennifer Lewitas. And should these
spirits, joyous in their foulness, proceed Easterly or Westerly after
their prolonged banter, then neither blonde, nor brunette, nor redhead,
shall evermore visit.
That study time shall henceforth be graced
with silence, no longer broken by La Cucuracha or similar catchy
tunes; and that during such time the inhabitants should puncture
verily the ceiling in a pattern as the round face who smiles,
and therein shall lie the asbestos of wisdom; yay, it shall bring
a period of focused study, the likes of which thus far unseen,
to the peoples of the Dakotas, both North and South.
That telephones shall be replaced far and
wide by telawoman; and that the mysteries of Chapel Hill shall
thus revealeth themselves because of such speedy communication;
but that the deadly harmonies of a band of cell phones in Middle
Campus shall end the prosperity, and plague shall befall Avery, making
people mad into voting for Pat Buchanan for every office in the land.
That King Moeser shall confiscate personal
possessions, giving Community Direktors authority over redistribution;
that possession of a new Bible-Torah-Koran-Buddhist-Hindu Manifesto
shall be required for admittance into the SRC and home field hockey
games; and that the dining halls, both Chase and its comrade facility
in the North, shall undergo renaming, being henceforth known as
Stalinchase and Lenninoir, respectively.
That tobacco is wacko, Camus can do, but
Sartre is smart-re.
That to keep the house of Ehring, the inhabitants
shall forego keeping it simple or together; but that they
shall succeed in keeping off the grass, to the dismay of NORML,
whose anger shall only be abated by their drug of choice; that
the inhabitants shall risk life and limb, specifically the left
leg, to make necessary mortgage payments as they come due, in keeping
Ehring's house, despite the coming influx of corrupt Canadian Mountees.
That grievances of the inhabitants shall
be resolved in maturely-written, tactfully taunting editorials
on their respective web pages; and that the communication commonly
called 'IM' shall hypnotize every non-asthmatic male between
18 and 40, thus bankrupting the sports industry and forcing women
into military service when 'Dubya' chokes on a croissant and conquers
France one afternoon; and that, after said hypnotic trance, the
Olson twins shall star in another film that the inhabitants should
take care not to mock for fear of alienating their young female fans;
and that, after said hypnotic trance, Gary Coleman shall continue to
entertain millions with his snappy catch phrase.
Amendment I
Student Congress shall make no law whatsoever.
As for the MTS, there shall be no discrimination based on class,
major, Communist ideology, or favorite NASCAR driver.
Exempt from these protections are Communists, Communist sympathizers,
and people resembling Fidel Castro.
Amendment II
A well regulated militia being necessary
to keep the King of England out of our hair. Indeed.
Amendment III
Should a member become possessed by demon,
eskimo, or other being, that member shall be limited to access
of only the northwest corner of the southwest portion of the southwest
section of the northeast building of the southern part of campus
in the souther part of heaven, until further notice from the "Powers
that be" of the MTS or any combination of two of the following:
George Burns, Jen Daum.
Amendment IV
The fourth amendment is hereby repealed.
Amendment V
Those who plead to be not guilty are probably
more guilty than anyone else.
