Roommate Agreement Form—Possum & Thrill, year 3
(All previous roommate contracts are hereby declared null and void)

Visitation:
Proclamation??  Okay.  On this the twentieth day of this month, we, as the heirs to the room previously inhabited by Scott Bilton, Miles Travis, Marc Jones, and Chris Hostetler, and thereby leaders of the Miles Travis Suite, Inc., do hereby proclaim martial law over all of Living Well, Ehaus volleyball court and the UNC Shag Club.  Effective until defeated in a battle of wits to be named later.

Study Time:
Bloody Mimes?!?  I’m glad somebody is thinking about them.  We in room 241 believe that it is a grave injustice, not to mention a bad thing, to see the blatant disregard for the well-being of these silent entertainers.  We feel it is our duty to speak out for those who are trapped in boxes and are doomed to climb endless ladders.  Oh, you said “Study Time.”  Well, we won’t stand for any of that.

Phone Usage:
Word has it that people have been using telephones as earplugs, swords, mustaches, shoes, candles, etc.  But I’m here to talk to you about the unethical use of water.  Shows like Baywatch and Dawson’s Creek have been misusing water for years.  As part of the People for the Ethical Use of Water, PEUW, we feel it is our right to not use water for drinking, bathing, gardening, etc.  Besides, we don’t have a phone.

Personal Possessions:
Previous contracts have covered demon possessions, and to date no one has become possessed.  So, this year we in 241 are welcoming personal possessions.  In order to better our odds, we will be hanging garlic from our doors, wearing coconut shells, shopping only on days named for pagan gods, and sending get-well cards to dead presidents.  This year, should a roommate become possessed, all suitemates must disavow knowledge of Alec Baldwin.

Smoking:
Smoke signals have been an important form of communication since the days of Roman candles.  However, the current method was perfected by Chief Sitting Duck of the Algonquin tribe.  This style is based on the principle that smoke produced by burning wood will, in fact, rise, and on the novelty of creating smoke rings with a peace pipe.  This ancient method shall be implemented by the M.T.S. in the absence of phones.

Housekeeping:
Should a fly be found in 241, we shall unleash, in order, one day at a time, a spider, bird, cat, dog, goat, and finally a bear.  We in the M.T.S. reserve the right to bare arms, as well as the right to arm bears.  
--I’ve never seen a house that ain’t worth keepin, as Death’s never seen a soul that ain’t worth reapin.—

Communication:
This year the M.T.S. will seek to locate Elvis by learning to communicate with aliens via rubbing together an iguana and a kimodo dragon to produce a high pitched sound, which will combine with a loud yodel to reach the farthest galaxies of the universe.  Pounding hound dogs with blue suede shoes only brought out Elvis impersonators and, in one unfortunate instance, Rosie O’Donnel.

Other:
We will not instigate revolution...unless provoked
We will not eat green eggs and ham...unless provoked
We will not dump kerosene in the Old Well
We will not have sacrifices for non-Biblical purposes
We will not give freshmen directions to the Blue Oyster Bar
We will not impersonate drag queens
We will not secceed from Living Well...unless provoked
We will not feed the bears
We will not breed roosters for game purposes
We will not sing in three part harmony
We will not get suckered with a sucker
We will not offer "no wait" advising to freshmen in front of Steele Building during the first week of class
We will not grow beards just to see what the rednecks will do
We will not return to our room if we see our shadows
We will not hide behind the 5th Amendment
We will not abuse the 19th Amendment...unless provoked
We will not force freshmen to walk the plank
We will not acquire additional suites via hostile take over
We will not organize a coup against Koo
We will not gig frogs in the fountain at Bynum
We will not tar and feather democrats...unless provoked
And, most importantly, we will NOT, under any circumstances, show it to the Laker Girls!